Today is September 19, 2019 and I haven't posted anything for such a long time. Since my last blog many things have happened. I decided to stop teaching and retired back in 2016. Many reasons but the main reason is Kathryn. I was struggling with students that seemed to not appreciate life and what they had. I really felt that many of them were spoiled and had no concept of struggles. I don't know if it was really me or them. All I know is that I was struggling and it wasn't fair to them or me. So, I could retire and I did.
My husband and I started off with a 3 week trip to the East Coast. It was great and we saw everything. All the way from Virginia to New York. I was also asked to become a field supervisor for student teachers. It is very part time and I took the job. I'm still doing it and find it very rewarding. I did some home projects too.
After a few months I became very bored and depressed. I found myself laying on the couch and doing a lot of crying and wasting time. I needed to be busy. After a year of retirement my husband ask a friend if they needed some part-time help. I was hired the next day. I'm still doing this job too and love it.
The best thing I did was to go to a grief class. My friend that I work with asked me if I would like to go with her to this class but I could never find the time. Finally they had a new session and my time was freed up so I could go to this grief class. The first class was ruff. It had been 7 1/2 years and I still needed help. I felt silly being there so many years after Kathryn's passing but when we talked I found that several of the people there had losses many many years ago. My first night I couldn't even talk without crying. With each class I found it easier and easier to talk and feel comfortable. I also found my true faith again. Well it was always there but so much stronger now. The leader of the group was the minister's wife and they lost their son in a motorcycle accident. I could see that she struggled like me yet she still had faith. Part of the class was to watch a video and during the video one night she sent me a text. I glanced down and it was from the group leader so I read it. It simply was a verse in in the Bible Isaiah 57:1. I was excited to read it. Kathryn had died so young. She was such a good person and always there to help others. This one little verse answered my question as to why. It confirmed my belief as to why too. It really made me feel like there was truly a reason for Kathryn to have been taken from us so early.
Isaiah 57:1. Good people pass away; The godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. I always thought her death was to protect her from something. Kathryn was very small. She also trusted people. She believed in people. Something could have easily have happened to her. So, now she is safe in heaven with God. I know she is there as he already showed me that in my vision back on a Christmas Eve a few years ago. I feel that God has given me answers and I know that I will see her again. I look forward to that day.
So Richard my son, got married in 2015. He married a young woman he met at cancer camp. My husband and I were talking about cancer and Kathryn the other day. We talked about how we have met people only because of Kathryn's death. Richard only met his wife because of Kathryn's cancer. There are silver linings even behind the darkest clouds in life.
I'm never going to stop missing Kathryn and wishing she were here. I will never be "over it." It just doesn't work that way. Even though I feel I have understanding my heart is still broken. I have a great big hole in my heart and life. Kathryn brought so much joy and love into our lives. I think back as a young mother afraid to have a second child. I didn't think I could have enough love in me for that second child but I did. It was because she gave me so much love. It was easy to love her just like I loved my first child (Richard).
I'm doing better and that is all that matters. Scott and I pour our hearts into helping Camp Goodtimes keeps going to support other families with pediatric cancer. The program is more than just camp now. It has grown to offer many events. One of those is a ski weekend for siblings. Not every one realizes how much the siblings suffer, worry and feel pain. They need an outlet too. My son started this ski weekend for siblings because this was his outlet given to him by his Uncle Pat. Yes, my brother asked what he could do to help. I replied with, " Richard is going to get lost in all of this; take him under your wing and teach him how to ski like you did me." Wow, he ate by one day and took Richard shopping. He bought him all the gear from head to toe and took him skiing every weekend for two years. Richard always wanted to pay it forward and that is happening now. The kids love it! They started with ten the first year, then 20 the second year with a long wait list. I don't know how many they will have next year. It's fabulous to see these kids just having a great time on the slopes.
I'm really proud right now. I wrote this without crying and getting my nose all stuffed up. That was one reason I stopped blogging. I cried so hard and it took so much out of me. But now here I am doing it without shedding more than one tear.
Love to all of you, Carol