Monday, May 5, 2014
Heaven is for Real 5-4-14 I found a resume on my computer at school. This was by chance and it must be a sign. I was thinking about applying for the position of camp director but was a little uneasy about it. I haven’t really applied for a job for over 30 years. I have changed jobs but they were all guarantees. Nerves have helped me make excuses for not putting in an application. I wrote my letters that they asked for but I didn’t put together a resume. I was putting that off because it would take so much time and effort and the closing date is drawing near. But, as I was working on my computer at work and organizing some files I ran across one that said, Carol’s res. I opened it and found this resume all written. I forgot that I had to put one together to teach those night classes through SPU. Is this a sign that I should indeed apply? Did I find it so I would get going on my application? Was Kathryn there helping me find it and leading me there? I did ask her to help me make a decision on whether or not to apply. I guess I got the answer. Kathryn did tell me one time that I lacked confidence. She was right. She had more confidence than anyone I have ever met. She believed in herself and she believed in all of us. She was amazing, strong and confident! Long Island medium – Sure wish I could find a way to connect with Kathryn. Never ever gets easier! It just doesn’t. Time does not heal the pain that I feel. I do however stay busy enough to keep my mind preoccupied so I don’t think about my loss all of the time. Kathryn had started an avocado tree as a seed. She had put toothpicks through it and had it suspended in a small bowl of water. It sat in the window for a long time. I thought it would be one of those things that we just discarded after a while, but no! Scott has been taking care of it with such love. It is now a 5 foot tall tree. What happens when it reaches the ceiling? It actually has branches too. It is really something else. He started a second one and it is growing too. They are both in Kathryn’s room. Grandma teased and said the tree was reaching for the sun. That would be the sun I painted on the ceiling. Silly grandma! I was looking to see if I had saved my last blog and ran across one I titled “Ashes.” I wrote about Scott picking up Kathryn’s ashes and the tears just started to flow. How could this little blue box be our daughter? How could this beautiful joyful girl become a box of ashes? All is changed forever. A huge part of me has gone. A huge part of my joy and life has gone. The pleasure I had being with Kathryn is gone. Her death took so much. It took joy, love and beauty from my life. The Chris Elliott Foundation had a fundraiser at Glass Babies in Seattle. Alli met me there. They had some refreshments and wine. I met Chris’ wife Delann. Chris is a man who died of the same brain tumor Kathryn died from. I don’t know how I came into contact with this foundation. They raise money to help families who are battling brain cancer. I also met a lady who works in the field of neuroscience. That was interesting. I was hoping they would have a speaker but they didn’t. But then I met Jason, Becky’s Dad. Becky is a 28 year old with a GBM. Her friend contacted me through Alli a year or two ago. She was looking for someone who knew something about GBM and possible treatments. She went to the Burzynski clinic and she was doing very well on that treatment and then it was like it stopped working. She also picked up Hep-C somewhere so her kidneys and liver are failing. I sure feel for her and her family. I know the final outcome and by the look on Jason’s face he does too. He told me to call her or text her and I did. But no return. She doesn’t know me so I wasn’t surprised. There are more brain tumors in this region than anywhere. Alli has plans to get a tatoo. It will be along the back of her neck so if she needs to hide it for a job her hair will cover it. But it will be a cross with Kathryn’s initials KMB. She loved Kathryn so much. Kathryn introduced to her camp. Kathryn was the first person she went to when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Kathryn gave her comfort and assurance that everything would be alright. Rebecca’s news – no baby. Her eggs that were expressed didn’t work out and the ones that were left have expired. They are only good for so long. They are going to try another method. Of course it is costing them a ton and it is very emotionally draining. So, if you believe in prayer please pray that this new method works so Chuck and Rebecca can have a baby. They are warm loving people who are awesome parents. Rowan was a lucky girl to have such wonderful parents. I was on the internet the other day and this notice read something like, “Girl’s Deadly Brain Tumor Eradicated With The Polio Virus.” This caught my eye. She was 20 when diagnosed with a GBM and at Duke University they injected the Polio Virus into her brain. She was the first human they tried it on. Well, when you are diagnosed with a GBM you have nothing to lose so you should try whatever. It worked. This was done in May of 2012. This is just 3 months after Kathryn died. I cried to think that we could have been that close to saving her. This young lady is now 23 and cancer free! She is the same age as Kathryn. She wants to help people in the medical field like Kathryn. She is a lot like Kathryn. I’m glad they are getting these new ideas out there. The T-Cell therapies are working too. I heard they can match the T-Cells to the type of cancer. Amazing but too late for us. My Mom and Scott and I all went to the movie “Heaven is for Real”. We all confessed that we cried. It was a tear jerker for anyone who has lost a child that is for sure. It’s a good movie and confirms my belief. My Mom said, “I wonder if my baby that I lost is in Heaven like that little girl?” My Mom had a miscarriage just before she had me. She never found out if it was a boy or a girl. Probably too painful to ask much about it. I had an incomplete pregnancy and that tore me apart. I couldn’t talk about it without breaking into tears until I had Richard. Having a miscarriage would be so much harder. My mom hasn’t talked about it much at all. I think she has mentioned it maybe 3 or 4 times and that’s it. When we got home from the movie we were went to sit down in the family room and I noticed on the floor right by the couch there was a penny. It definitely was not there before we left for the movie. We all decided it was from Kathryn. We decided she was telling us she was here and that she knows that we believe she is in Heaven. Speaking of my Mom, Monday will mark 3 years since we lost my Dad. I know my Mom misses him so much. I miss him too but he gave me the words to make it easier to accept. He told me not to cry when he died. He told me he had a good life. He had good friends and family that loved him and that he would be ok. I’m so glad he told me that. I also wanted to mention that I love seeing and hearing from Kathryn’s friends. When I saw Cody and Ryan at The Swiss a couple of weeks ago it was fantastic. They both gave me a long tight hug. It really felt good. They are both very special boys who have had a hard time with Kathryn’s passing. I hope to stay in touch with her friends forever! They all make me happy and keep Kathryn’s spirit alive!