Sunday, March 9, 2014
A couple of Surprises 3-9-14
A couple of little surprises March 9, 2014 During the last couple of weeks we each had a nice surprise from Kathryn. I was telling Scott just how bad I was feeling and how much I missed Kathryn. I think this second year has been harder that the immediate and the first year anniversary. It is more real and really makes it sink in that Kathryn will not be with us as a person ever again. Scott told me he was really thinking about Kathryn and there it was for him, a penny. He finds pennies when he thinks alot about Kathryn and needs some comfort. In the book I read the author said that pennies can be a sign from our loved ones. Now I know what that doll I have is all about. The title of the doll is pennies from Heaven and she has her little hand out and has several little pennies in her hand. One day the last week of February I walked into the school building at the same time as my friend Sue. We started to talk and of course cancer came up. Her husband had a bought with throat cancer and she was telling me how a couple of other friends of theirs had the same thing too. I was telling her how I was told that Kathryn’s type of brain tumor GBM was usually found in 40 to 50 year old men and found in the frontal lobe. I have recently found or fallen upon a few young girls with GBMs and I told her that one of them was really ill and probably wouldn’t make it another week or two. She did pass away on the 4th of March at 18 years old. Her name was Amber and a beautiful girl full of love, spirit and life. Cancer is such a bad deal. There is also the 16 year old girl with the GBM (Catherine). I emailed her Mom about the T-Cell treatment. I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days but she finally responded and said she was looking into it. I’m glad to hear that. When we were in Houston this was just beginning and they would not use it on Patients like Kathryn. I’m very excited to say that our house is pretty much back in order. The kitchen is beautiful and I just got my couch and love seat back all recovered. They look beautiful. Simple like I am trying to make things here. Last weekend I spent the weekend pulling wallpaper and painting at my Mom’s house. It was fun because two of my three brothers were there. We had some good memories to share and some good laughs. My other brother had some serious foot surgery so he can’t help but he called to see how things were going and sent us some girl-scout cookies “Yum.” Scott’s been a big help too. When I first walked in it was pretty overwhelming but now it seems that it is coming together. Last Sunday, 3/2/14 I was given a sign from Kathryn. I had been feeling very down and asking for a sign from Kathryn. I asked God if I could please see her or have something that would let me know she was near. Well, My Mom and my brother Pat were all getting ready to leave my Mom’s house and we were in the garage. Now, I have been in the garage the last two weekends and even swept the garage and picked up down there. This day after asking for a sign there it was. On one of the hinges of the garage door was a green ribbon. I had not seen it before and I had looked at the garage door several times. I went over to it and said, “Do you know what this is?” I said, “This is from Kathryn’s 18th birthday party.” When my Mom and Dad moved out the house was empty around Kathryn’s birthday 2/9/09 and she asked my Mom if she and Cody (her BFFE) could have their 18th birthday party at her house. Well, of course she said yes. Kathryn and Cody decorated the garage and used those green ribbons to tie up balloons and such. As I was touching the ribbon my brother Pat came up to me and held the ribbon in his hand and said, “ You mean Kathryn’s little hands were the ones that tied this ribbon here. She was the last one to touch this ribbon. Then he held me as I broke into tears. Then I spotted another one and pointed it out. But Kathryn probably didn’t tie this one because it was up too high. We all laughed. The ribbons were either put there after I asked for a sign or they have been there for 5 years and through three different renters. I don’t know which is more believable. March is an interesting month. This is when cancer started for us. On March third 1999 I took Kathryn in for the second time and they did the cat-scan and found the tumor. On March 5th we met her surgeon and on the 8th she had her first brain surgery. Cancer has filled our lives every since then but it hasn’t taken our love or the life we still live. We still have so much and I know Kathryn is here. Not only did I find the green ribbon but I also went into her room and I could smell her so strong. I said, I know you are here Kathryn. I was borrowing some of her items for our spirit week. I knew she would love to know that I could use her things to have fun. Scott and I went to a camp-planning meeting on the 4th. There were many good ideas to make camp super fun this summer for the kids. On our way home we just missed a big accident. There was a jack-knifed semi in the middle of I-5. It just happened and I was able to drive around it and the other truck in the HOV lane. When we got home we saw it one the news and a huge back up of miles and miles. On the 5th we attended the Grapevine Event. This was also in Seattle. This is a meeting to invite new and old people who might want to or have attended the Wine Auction which is a big fundraiser for Camp. Every time I have attended one of these I meet new people who I just fall in love with. This time the speaker was a Mom of a little boy who attended the Drive-a Thon that Scott started. It was a track day that raised money for camp. This Mom spoke about how cancer changed their lives forever. They had to move from Alaska to Seattle to be closer to doctors and hospitals. Colin was diagnosed with a terrible form of Leukemia when he was 2. He has side effects that have made it so his joints don’t move. His growth is obviously stunted. He is 10 and his brother who is 3 years younger is taller than Colin. He still takes a huge amounts of meds and is watched by doctors all the time. She talked about the financial part of cancer too. The million dollar limit was reached the first 2 months of Colin’s treatment. Every year they spend 10’s of thousands of dollars out of pocket for Colin’s treatments that he still under goes. She mentioned this because she appreciates a camp for her kids that is free of charge. She understands the value of a dollar and would never be able to send her kids to camp if Camp Goodtimes was not around. She also talked about how wonderful it is for her boys to have a week of fun and she doesn’t have to worry about her sons and she is given a break. She has not been far from Colin every since he was diagnosed. She has been by his side and always watching over him. She is a full time caretaker of a very sick child. But for this one week she gets to be a woman without the worries. She knows her boys are in a safe place with nurses and doctors right there and a fun and loving staff. She gets to relax this one week. I never thought about how this week was for me until she mentioned it. It was my week to do a big project. It was my week to surprise my kids with something that I had created. I made them furniture, painted their bedrooms or maybe it was a project around that house for the family. They got to the point where they would come home and ask, “What did you do this time Mom?” I loved surprising them. It was a week for me too! This weekend Richard and Bee came down to visit. I love seeing the two of them. Richard made a delicious breakfast Saturday morning for all of us. My Mom was here too. Richard and I had a talk about feeling bitter and feeling sorry for yourself when you lose someone, meaning Kathryn. We all have those feelings but we both agreed that we can’t let those feelings take over your life. I have had those feelings and sometimes you do feel sorry for yourself but you are not alone. There are other people who have lost children and I feel sorry for them. I thought many times that I must have been a bad Mom and I was being punished for something and losing Kathryn was my punishment. But then I realize that there are so many wonderful people who have lost their children and wouldn’t deserve punishment. In fact it seems like the best parents are the ones that lose their children. I just don’t get it. So it really doesn’t have anything to do with being a good or bad parent or good or bad person. It just happens. We can’t go on feeling sorry for ourselves or being bitter because it has happened and we need to live life. Richard and I agreed that there are those sad times and when you do fee sorry for yourself but we just can’t let them be who we are. We choose to live the way we were and the way Kathryn would want us to live as best as we can. Richard, Bee and I all went over to my Mom’s house. Richard was excited to show Bee as she has heard a lot about the house. It was fun to hear him talk about how much he liked the house and I talked about how wonderful it was to grow up in this house. Then I shared with him and Bee my story about the green ribbon. I think they were a little stunned. I’m not sure how Richard takes it but I know Kathryn gave me that sign. I asked as I have before and I received just like I have before. I think if you believe you will see that the ones who have gone before us are really still here in spirit. So, tonight is the first night of the TV show “Resurrection.” Richard said it looked creepy and so did Bee. I’m curious to see how they do this show. How many of us have thought about someone coming back from the dead. You know I have. I would make it work if Kathryn were to come back. It could be complicated but I would make it work. It may be too late and I may fall asleep but Scott and I are going to try to watch it.