Monday, November 4, 2013
Tomorrow? 11/4/13 On Kathryn’s list that I found under the stairs there was Pastor Foege’s phone number too. She had a couple of phone numbers but that one was important. She loved Pastor Foege and trusted him. I think she knew she was going to be in the hands of the Lord after talking to him. She was safe. While I was giving blood I was asked if I had grandchildren – No my son is a bit behind the game I said. Then I was asked if he was my only child and I said no I have a daughter but she passed away in February of 2012. Then I explained that I think Richard and his sister both talked about adopting children but Richard’s girlfriend would love to have her own child, which I am kind of partial too myself. I think Richard is afraid that he may have a child who develops cancer. Kathryn and Bee’s sister Elizabeth both died from cancer and so did Bee’s Dad. Richard and I talked about cancer one day and how one of the nurses from Children’s believes it is genetic. But we have no brain cancer anywhere in my family or Scott’s family. Scott’s Dad died of a rare form of leukemia. We all believe it was caused from his exposure to high levels of radiation on Bikini Island. We think my Mom’s mom may have died from cancer and know that her brother Bill and sister Elaine both died from lung cancer. Bill and Elaine were both very heavy smokers their entire lives. So, I would say all of the cancers were environmental not genetic. My grandmother may be the only one that could possibly be genetic but we don’t even know if cancer was the true cause of death. There wasn’t an autopsy done so it is just a guess. I was listening to the song “Stand by Me” on my way home from work. There is a part that says there’s always tomorrow. Well that is wrong. There isn’t always tomorrow so you better make the best of today. Today is what you have and you shouldn’t waste it. Tomorrow may never come. Make the best of every day that you have here on this Earth. I called Rebecca (Rowan’s Mom). I knew it was getting close to Rowan’s birthday. I called on the 27th, which was exactly one year from the day we celebrated her 4th birthday in Disneyland. We talked a lot. We talked about family and how they were during our difficult time. We talked about fundraising and how it seems so easy for some people to get financial help for medical and not so easy for others. She asked me how it is now that it has almost been 2 years. I told her it was just as she described it a minute ago. You are having normal conversations and maybe even laughing and then you are crying because you are thinking about her and missing her. Some times I don’t think it is any better than it was when Kathryn first passed. But I did tell her the normal times become more frequent. I know that I am not lying on the couch all day crying anymore. This is a big improvement. There was actually an article about depression after losing a loved one and how it really affects some people so much that they have a hard time functioning. One lady said she put off her friends and their invitations and they finally gave up and stopped inviting her. I suggested that Rebecca take up one of those invitations and go out with a friend. It just might help her feel better. She does have an old friend coming to visit the first part of December. I really think this will give her a much-needed emotional break. Hopefully they find time to laugh and just enjoy each other. Sunday night (actually early Monday morning) at 2:25 am I woke up and heard our mirror rattle. It only rattles if someone really bounces around in the bed like jumps on the bed or if there is an Earthquake. Since Scott and I were both lying very still in bed I thought maybe someone was in the house at first. I got up and kind of investigated. Then I thought it must have been an Earthquake. No news of an Earth Quake in the morning. So all I can think is that it was Kathryn. I had been thinking about her giving me a sign of her presents since I watched The Island Median. I will leave it at that. On Monday 10/28 one of Kathryn’s friends posted this on facebook: It has been a year and three quarters since the world lost a beautiful soul, and the Comm 101 IA program director is still telling her story to inspire IAs and keep her positive attitude and passion alive. It makes me so happy to hear about her and see the difference she continues to make. I love you and I miss you everyday, baby girl! — with Kathryn Panda Bradley. She is going to send me a copy of the professor’s lecture in text and on tape. I’m looking forward to it. I remember the professor asking me if she could use Kathryn as her example. She wanted to know if I would be ok if she spoke of Kathryn in her absence. I’m proud that she uses Kathryn’s story to inspire others. Kathryn would approve. Today I also chatted with my Principal who just lost his brother and best friend. I told him I started reflecting by counting the days and then it was weeks and then it was months. A Monday for him is my Thursday. He received the news at a school board meeting I laid there in bed next to Kathryn and watched as she took her last little breath. The 2nd of every month will always be a day that reminds me of that morning. The Thursdays do too. And when it is the 2nd and a Thursday it only makes it stronger. He will continue to be reminded of that evening and the message he received. Time does heal and faith helps with the healing. So this same day Kathryn came to me again. Remember last night, Sunday the mirror rattled. I actually told her I loved hearing from her but I needed to sleep and this mirror rattling was keeping me from sleeping. So instead she sat at the end of the bed where I could feel the pressure on the bed when the blankets pulled on my toes. I have felt this before and it brings me comfort so I think she knew it would once again. I asked for a sign and now she gave me one that I would recognize and enjoy. One of my students made me a darling panda. It even has red glitter on it. Oh, Kathryn would love the glitter. Today (11/1) was Rowan’s 5th birthday, or would have been. I sent Rebecca and Chuck a quick text to let them know I was thinking of them. It hasn’t even been 6th months since Rowan passed and they are certainly hurting. I talked to Richard about it tonight and he asked if they have recovered financially. I don’t think they have. I know they spent far more than we did and now they have new medical expenses. I told him I would have another garage sale this summer and send them the money. I don’t know what more I can do to help. I sure wish I could win some money and help them out. I have couple of people I would like to help out financially. It’s hard to sit back and watch when you know people need help and you really don’t have the means to help. Tonight (11/1) Scott and I walked down by Chambers Bay Golf Course in University Place. We parked over by the environmental building and walked by it. Scott mentioned that this brings back memories. Kathryn’s senior prom was there and we were chaperones. It was a good night as Scott said. Great memories and that dress was so cute on Kathryn. She trusted me to make her the perfect dress. As I have mentioned before I don’t really sew. It did turn out perfect. After many many fittings! Well, they just don’t make Kathryn size patterns for a grown up style dress. She wanted me to make her wedding dress some day too. She really had faith in me. While listening to a Subaru commercial it shows a little girl going off to her first day of school. I have watched that commercial several times but this time it hit me. Kathryn going off to her first day of Kindergarten. It was Good-Bye Mommy and off she went. Not a tear or fear, just excitement to be with all of those kids. She was social from the very beginning. She loved everyone from the start. She was off with her happiness and sharing it with others. Over the weekend I read through quotes that were sent to us from Kathryn’s friends as well as some of the things she wrote. I read this sentence and couldn’t believe what I had read. “Cancer is not just in my past, but it is my future. And I am thrilled with this.” This is from an essay Kathryn wrote. Thrilled? Really? I couldn’t believe what I read. I guess she had accepted the fact that she had cancer and she just had to make the best of it. There was nothing she could do but live life as she knew it. Happy as can be. Last night (11/3/2013) I received a message from Kathryn. It wasn’t a dream but something just coming into my brain. It was a strong message, a very strong message. It was, “Love Daddy.” It just kept playing in my brain until I rolled over and held Scott tight. She knew Scott needed me to hold him and I needed to be held. I have not had this experience before. It was so strong and amazing. “LOVE DADDY” That would be Kathryn talking. She called us Mommy and Daddy a lot. She would want both of us to feel love and be loved. Thank you Kathryn ☺ That’s a good note to end with so good night. Remember you never know about tomorrow so live today and love today the best that you can.