September 2nd marked 19 months since Kathryn’s
passing. It seems like it just
happened. Actually it is still
something that doesn’t seem real.
It still feels like she will be coming home to see me and we will talk
and hug or maybe go to Starbucks and have a cup of coffee. It won’t happen but it does in my mind.
I had a dream that I was in a car with Kathryn and Princess
and the road became very icy and undriveable. Kathryn and I ended up having to leave the car and walk leaving
Princess for some odd reason. As
we arrived to our destination we were wondering about Princess and then she
came running up to us, all wiggles and smiles. This did kind of happen on time. Kathryn and I were driving home from our cabin in
Packwood. It was in April and it
was a beautiful sunny day. I
decided to take Skate Creek Road so we could shave 30 minutes off of our drive
time. I was hoping we would make
it back in time to go watch the school play at the school where I work. Well just like in the dream the road
became icy and snowy. I started to
slide and all there is to my right is a cliff with a small river at the
bottom. I slow and crawl
along. I finally realize that my
car is not going to make this trip as we climbed a small hill. It would not climb even a small
hill. I didn’t exactly have tires
for the snow on my car but rather I had track tires on my car. I think both Kathryn and I were
relieved to have found a spot to make a turn around. The road had only gotten worse the farther we went so
turning around was a great idea.
So we didn’t make the play but we made it home safely.
Tuesday 9/3 was the first day of school. I always have a letter that I write
that tells a bit about my family and myself. I do tell about Kathryn and her passing. It gets very quiet at that time. Kids are very respectful and I
appreciate this. Sierra, who knows
me well said, “this is sad” as she read through the part about Kathryn. I don’t know if I should stop mentioning
this but for now it is who I am and this is my life so I will continue to
include it.
On Wednesday (9/4) I wrote to a man who was just diagnosed with a GBM (the
same brain tumor Kathryn died from) on September 2nd. He’s concerned about telling his
children that he is going to die.
My first letter never went through but then I tried again and did get a
second one to go through. I hope
that my words were hopeful and helpful.
I know what the doctors have told him as they told me I would be lucky
to have Kathryn one year. They
told me it would come back and kill her.
He has heard those same words.
If he gets even a little extra time there could be a new method of
treating this beast. They are
working on it and coming up with new things all of the time. It is just that, a matter of time. I think writing to him helped me
because as I walked Princess that evening I found myself signing aloud. I don’t do this or at least haven’t
sung out loud for a very long time.
There was happiness in my heart.
On Thursday I had a student ask if that was my daughter on
the wall. She asked if she could
look at my pictures and I said yes of course. I love it when they take an interest. She said Kathryn was
beautiful. I couldn’t agree
more. Her smile was so
beautiful. She was perfect in
every way as far as I am concerned.
I read more about GBM Patients on this site for brain cancer
research. It is the most common
brain tumor and the most deadly.
Some people live just a few days after diagnoses. One woman wrote about her husband who
only lived 126 days while there was one who lived 5 or 6 years. The author of the book, Surviving
Terminal Cancer is still alive. He
is the only GBM survivor that I know of.
It has been 19 years for him.
I think it is because he is a scientist in the medical field and he
would switch form one treatment to another if it appeared one wasn’t
working. He continued to change
his treatments and also live a very pure life and using natural products to the
hilt. I tried this with Kathryn
but… well we all know how that turned out.
Ambulances Everywhere – I have been behind or next to an
ambulance every day for that past too weeks. Of course they make me think of my ride in the ambulance
with Kathryn. I always wonder if I
will see those two guys again. For
that matter will I see any of the nurses or doctors again? They were all so good to us. The one doctor called to see how
Kathryn was doing. She had passed
by the time he called. He was so
concerned. He wrote us a nice
card. Not all doctors take the
time to do this. He was the doctor
who got Kathryn to a place where she could come home.
On Friday (9/6) some of my boys asked me if I was going to
the football game. It sounded like
they were playing as they were also dressed in their jerseys. It was the High school varsity team
that was playing but my boys were there.
I told them I would go if it wasn’t pouring down rain. Well, the sky cleared and it was a
gorgeous evening. I really enjoyed
talking to the kids there and watching the game. We won too!
I’m really enjoying my students more this year. They are good kids. My yearbook class is amazing. I discuss with them what they should be
doing and then they just get to it.
The second week of school has flown by. We had our floors refinished so I have
been living out of a suitcase. Other
things aren’t going well but that is enough said. School is going well.
I talked to a friend about my classes and I have one young
lady who failed my class last year who is earning an A at this time. That means she has completed every
assignment so far. She is my
project this year. She is a great
kid but it is obvious that she has no support at home. At least no one to ask her about homework
or help her with homework. So I
hope to help fill this spot by keeping a very close eye on her work and using
that mothering push to keep her going.
There are a couple of others who will need similar attention. I have one boy who is autistic and I
have already had a couple of email conversations with his mom. She is on top of it that’s for
sure. He came to school after we
went over how to put a notebook together with is already to go. He just works a little slower but I
think he will be just fine. He has
great support at home and that makes all the difference in the world.
Today (9/14) is the funeral for the 10 year old I wrote
about. Yes, cancer took her
too. It just took a long time
Porsche Club member too. Also
another friend of ours lost a close friend of his to cancer too. He asked me about the man who sang at
Kathryn’s service and about setting up a bank fund for the family for
donations. This man left his
family with no life insurance and dept.
They need help. I told my
friend that the wife needs to know that people want to help and giving them an
avenue to do so is good. She
doesn’t want to look like she is begging but she isn’t. There is a need to fill. My goodness, the bills could be horrendous. I know our 4 months cost us $100,000 to
$110,000 but we had a life insurance policy. Anyhow, I gave him all the information I had and thoughts
and ideas. It just a shitty
position for anyone.
I’m going to end on a good note. Our floors are done and I will return home today. I did look at them from the door way
and they look like new floors.
Absolutely beautiful! My
gym workouts are going great. I
can really tell that my right leg has been lazy as it heals. It is so much weaker than my left
leg. And when they work together I
can feel the left leg doing more.
It will all even out. I do
feel so much better. I don’t hurt
like I did.
Richard is planning on heading out to North Carolina for a
camp retreat. Well, it is a big
deal for him. He has really been
involved in planning events for camp to help raise funds.
He is also enjoying his student teaching. He had open house the other night and
it went well. A quick 10 minutes
with each class of parents. I
remember those nights.
He is doing great!
Well, I didn’t get this out like I thought I would so
here’s a little more. I went to
the Staff appreciation dinner (9/18) for Camp Goodtimes Staff. I am so proud to have Richard as my
son. He and his girlfriend Bee
earned the Volunteer of the Year award.
Of course I teared up as Beef spoke about my son and his girlfriend and how
they have taken their cancer experiences and used them to help others. It was a great evening because I was
with such great people. How can
you not feel good around people who give so selflessly? I love this Camp Family!!!
So, today I looked at the mail and there was a letter for Kathryn. Well an advertisement for Kathryn. On the envelope it said, “Get a glimpse
of your future…. Well if these
people only knew. There is no
future. It has all been put to an
end by cancer.
I have a good weekend ahead. Looking forward to spending some time with friends.
Love you,
Carol
Congratulations to Loop & Bee on their award! You are such a giving, loving family. Bless you!
ReplyDelete