Feeling and Sensing Kathryn 4-5-13
The first thing is about a pair of shoes. Remember I had asked Kathryn before to help me find things and all of a sudden I find them. This is true for these shoes too. I have these great teal pumps that I really like. I couldn’t find them anywhere. I thought I left them in the gym locker or somewhere. I asked Kathryn to help and I didn’t find them right away. But, I kept having this nagging thing going on in my brain that told me to look in my closet. If I would think about the shoes it would come to me. I even told Kathryn a couple of times that I didn’t have time to look right now but I would look in the closet again later. And I had looked before and I thought I was thorough. In fact I had looked several times and I thought I had looked in every shoebox. Then the other day there they were. In a shoebox right in front of me. One that I have moved several times. I couldn’t believe it.
So last weekend was Easter. I thanked God for giving his only son to die for us so we could have eternal life. I also spent the night with my Mom. I went up on Saturday to her house. I called before I left and I could tell she had been working way too hard. I told her to stop and go take a nap. She took my orders well. When I got there she was on the couch and she sounded so much better. We had a great time setting up for Easter and preparing food. We laughed and had so much fun.
Easter day was great. I saw two of my three brothers and my nieces and nephews. Richard and Bee showed up early, which was nice for my Mom to have them to herself for a bit. Richard has slimmed down a lot. He looks great!
Scott and I can’t afford to have pros come in and redo our bedroom and bath for us so we are painting and what not. He calls it design on a dime. He must be watching those shows when I’m not around. You know the do it yourself shows. I thought about Kathryn while using the brush she used to paint her bedroom up in Bellingham in the fall of 2011. She had to paint the entire room left-handed and she is right handed. I thought she did a great job. It still and always will amaze me how she was able to adapt to using her left hand so quickly when her right hand just wouldn’t cooperate.
I chatted with my neighbor the other day. Her Dad had a heart attack in November and she is looking over his care and also her mother. They both need someone to make sure they are eating right and getting their medications. But as independent people it is hard for them accept her help and this makes it very hard on her. We talked about my Dad and the care he needed. We also talked about parents who have lost children and how so many ends up in divorce. I think Scott and I have a much stronger bond than that. We have been through tough times and this is really tough but we have been groomed for it and can over come this too.
We had a nice dinner out at Boathouse 19 the other evening. The young hostess chatted a lot with us. She wants to be a neurosurgeon. She is very interested in the study of cells too. She is one of our hopefuls. We hope that she or someone will come up with ideas to stop this disease (cancer). This young lady is so excited to get started. I sure wish her the very best.
Ran into a man at Home Depot (a worker) with a Panda on his apron. Little reminders of Kathryn everywhere.
Wow, I read this article about this woman who doesn’t have time for her child. Her career comes first. She has someone else raising her child. She doesn’t have dinner with her or help her get ready for bed. She doesn’t read her bedtime stories or tuck her in at night. She is truly missing out. She had her child only because she thought she should have one before she was not able to. Not so much because she wanted to love and raise a child. No she admitted she was too self absorbed and too into her career. She tried to write this as a warning of not to have kids when you are in your 40’s and have a career. Well, this woman made me sick. She should have never had a child. You can have a career and a child but you need to put your child first. You need to be a loving and caring parent first. People who bring children into this world really need to think first. You should never have a child without the understanding that your child depends on you for everything. That’s everything. To nurture, love, teach, and share life with your child is first!
Enough on my feelings about terrible parents. Well, I have always been upset about people who don’t care for their children the way I think they should. First, I had an incomplete pregnancy, which broke my heart. Then I had to go on fertility drugs to have Richard. We went through a lot. The same with Kathryn only it was worse. Finally I had two beautiful children whom I loved dearly. Then Kathryn got cancer. Finally after 10 years I felt relaxed. I didn’t think we would ever have to deal with it again. Then within a year she was diagnosed with the killer GBM. And finally it took her life. And now I think I have a right to be really upset with these parents who can’t seem to love their children.
So I finally had an MRI of my hip. And several x-rays (hip, pelvis and femur). You know how they ask if you are claustrophobic? Well, I am just a little. I tried to crawl into our attic at our cabin to put some insulation in and I could not go completely through the opening. Well, not with the mask on. Once I took the mask off I was fine. That’s why I didn’t snorkel for so many years too. Well, as the machine started to slide back I had my eyes opened. Bad idea! It feels like the top of the tube is only four inches above your head but is it actually about a foot above your head. I quickly closed my eyes. That helped. I was breathing very heavy. I thought I should push the button to call the technician and almost did. I was starting to panic. Then I thought about Kathryn doing this so many times and so calmly. I thought about how I would rub her feet and how that must have brought her comfort knowing that she wasn’t alone. Then, with my eyes closed, a bright light came to me. It was like someone had turned on lights inside of the tube. It calmed me. My breathing was less heavy. I know it was Kathryn helping me out. When I got nervous again the light came and calmed me. She was definitely there. After about the third time I was ok. I focused on the music. Towards the end I found myself crying. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. I wasn’t even thinking about Kathryn that moment. I just think all of the memories came to me and I don’t know. With Kathryn having cancer a strong bond was created. We shared the MRI times and we always went to the gift shop or something to make the experience good. We may have sat in the cafeteria and had coffee or something. We had so many visits to the clinic and MRI place. We made all of these times as well as we could. We didn’t focus on the negative even when it did get real bad.
Kathryn is here with me. I have felt her strong presence. As I wrote to a friend on facebook, Death is just the beginning. I will be with Kathryn again some day. We will all be reunited. We had it all when Kathryn was well. Even when she was sick. We had the perfect little family. But it was taken. But we still have the three of us. We are tight and loving. We are Team Bradley!
Yesterday (Thursday) we (Scott and I) drove up to Mount Vernon to pick up flowers for the Camp Goodtimes Wine Auction. Lots of tulips! We also dropped off boxes of donations from the Durham’s to the American Cancer Society office in Seattle on our way home. It was a nice trip and for a worthy cause.
I need to get going. There are some things I need to get done before we go Seattle to help start the set up for the dinner and auction.
Even though it is supposed to rain like crazy have a great day. Rainy days allow us to do things inside without feeling guilty. Rain also makes our plants grow and the grass green. So, make it a great day.
We are setting up the t-shirt store and it will be open from April 11th through May 2nd. The store will have four different designs that Kathryn made back in 2009 for her senior project. All are cancer related and very creative. There will also be a Panda design available that I created. All proceeds will go to Camp Goodtimes.
It will be at www.baysidecustomstores.com Once there you scroll down to the store Kathryn "Panda" Bradley. Then you are able to look at the designs. You may need to sign in. Shirts are 15.99 plus shipping. If a lot are ordered we can do it again and again to support Camp Goodtimes. Share with everyone!