The Eve of Kathryn’s Passing 2-2-13
Last weekend I was at Fred Meyers purchasing a couple of
sympathy cards. Another lady
joined me. I made the comment,
“This type of card is always hard to buy.” I shared that I was buying cards for two young people both
around twenty. They both have
services tomorrow 2-2-13. I won’t
be attending neither service as you can understand or you will understand later
in this blog. As I talked to her
Kathryn came up and we both talked about life after death and things like
that. She said, “We are just a
blip in time.” She said, “This
life is just a very small part (a blip) of the eternal life to come. I had to agree. She was there and her words made me
think and remember that our time is yet to come. Kathryn is already enjoying the eternal life free and happy. Little reminders like this are so
helpful. God must know that I need
these from time to time because he just keeps sending me people to uplift me
and bring me peace.
I did get word from Rowan’s Mom Rebecca. The MRI showed that the tumor was
stable. MRI’s don’t show or tell
everything so they are doing a PET scan.
We all are hoping for better than stable. When I talked to Rebecca she had asked me about Kathryn’s
favorite colors. She loved blue
and then I told her that her room was green, yellow and blue but rainbows were
in her liking too. They were
planning a gift. I didn’t realize
this. They had three”Glassbabies”
sent to us. They are out of
Seattle. Glassbabies are hand
blown glass votive candle holders.
They were started by a three time cancer survivor so very fitting for a
gift for Kathryn or us. They are
made to share hope and give peace.
The light glows so beautifully in each one. They sent a green, blue and white one. For the earth, sea and peace. I placed them on the fireplace mantel. Rebecca also wrote a beautiful letter
to me too. I had said something
about not having talked to Kathryn enough or much at all about death. We didn’t share a lot about fears. I only know a few things and one was
that she was really concerned about Richard. She wanted to make sure he would be ok. She wanted to give him something like
we did the first round with cancer and that was skiing. But Rebecca reassured me that we did
things just fine. This is a little
of what she wrote: “surviving
cancer as a child changed Kathryn into someone strong and with a unique
perspective about life and death. I am certain she suffered knowing she would
be leaving her loved ones behind, but I imagine that she also was able to face
what was ahead better than most people. Perhaps you two could have discussed
death and dying more, but it seems to me that everyone was trying to create an
environment that wasn't sad and bleak. You all strived, including Kathryn, to
relish every moment you had together and every beautiful moment she had left on
this earth.” She is so right. Kathryn was forever changed when she
survived cancer as a child. She
didn’t take anything for granted.
Not time, people or love.
She shared herself with others and she loved everyone. She enjoyed life so much because she
did know how precious it was. And
as for all of us relishing every moment including Kathryn, that is spot
on. We even had fun in the
hospital down in Houston when Kathryn had to get transfusions. We decorated the entire room where we
would go each day at the clinic.
It was a big room with several people getting treatments or learning how
to do all the things like draw blood, set the pumps and change the needles for
the port. We made a bunch of
snowflakes and taught the nurse how to make them too. The place was covered with snowflakes. “The Bradley’s left their mark.” I wouldn’t allow people to talk
negative around Kathryn. When Matt
came to visit he shared stories with Kathryn. He made up stories for her too just like she would do for him. At one point I told the people who came
to the house that I wasn’t going to talk to them any more if they were going to
talk about my daughter dying. I
had enough. I only wanted to talk
about good things and listen to Richard read to Kathryn or read her strange
animal friends storybook to her. I
guess the little we did talk about dying was enough. We had better things to share.
Today is Friday 2-1-12. One
year ago when I said good night to Kathryn I told her, If Jesus comes to take
you tonight, please tell him you don’t want to go.” I prayed hard that night still believing she would wake up
in the morning and smile at me and get up and out of bed. I truly believed it was going to
happen. As I took her blood
pressure I realized something was different. Usually her blood pressure started to climb around 5am. This morning it was normal. I thought this was either really bad or
really good. I was still hoping
for really good. I was hoping my
prayers had been answered and the normal blood pressure was the beginning of
normality for everything. Then her
oxygen level fell but came back up.
Then it fell and came back up.
I got Richard and we cleared her trec. Richard and I both knew this was it. We agreed that we won’t bag Kathryn
because we were going to let her go peacefully. We discussed that even if we brought her back she would not
be Kathryn. She would not want to
live a life that wasn’t her life.
Even if we were to give her a breath or two it wouldn’t have been for
long. So, I had Richard get Scott
and Grandma. As we all know her
eyes didn’t open on that morning of the 2nd. I watched as my baby took her last
breath. It was about 8:15 am. We all cried and told her how much we
loved her. By then she was already
out of her body. She was there in
spirit and watching us.
Now I think of two families having services for their children tomorrow. One a girl and one a boy but both about
the same age Kathryn was when she passed.
I feel for them but I can’t be there. My day has been hard enough. And the days to come will be even harder.
There is always good though.
My dear friend Julie followed me down to my classroom after school
today. She is the Office
coordinator. I said,
“What are you doing down in this neck of the woods. She said ”I’m following you.” I thought she was joking but then she turned into my classroom. She had been shopping for her daughter around Christmas time and she was buying this darling bracelet that is a pinkish metal that has love twisted into it (2 times). She said something was telling her buy two, buy two. Maybe Kathryn. So she bought two and knew she had bought one for me. Maybe it was Kathryn telling her to send me a message of her love for me. I would like to think this is the case. It’s simple but beautiful and such Kathryn style. We both cried and hugged. She was going to give it to me at Christmas time but then we had a snow day the day she was going to give it to me. She thought that this being the eve of Kathryn’s passing would be a good time. I thought it was perfect. Thank you Julie. I’ve been wearing my Team Bradley ring my other friend Julyn gave me last year on the day Kathryn passed. It has 4 hearts, one for each of us. We will always be team Bradley no matter what.
“What are you doing down in this neck of the woods. She said ”I’m following you.” I thought she was joking but then she turned into my classroom. She had been shopping for her daughter around Christmas time and she was buying this darling bracelet that is a pinkish metal that has love twisted into it (2 times). She said something was telling her buy two, buy two. Maybe Kathryn. So she bought two and knew she had bought one for me. Maybe it was Kathryn telling her to send me a message of her love for me. I would like to think this is the case. It’s simple but beautiful and such Kathryn style. We both cried and hugged. She was going to give it to me at Christmas time but then we had a snow day the day she was going to give it to me. She thought that this being the eve of Kathryn’s passing would be a good time. I thought it was perfect. Thank you Julie. I’ve been wearing my Team Bradley ring my other friend Julyn gave me last year on the day Kathryn passed. It has 4 hearts, one for each of us. We will always be team Bradley no matter what.
I went to the gym today and my sweet trainer Rose told me that tomorrow
is her youngest son’s 2nd birthday. I said, “I will never forget his birthday.” I told her that was the day Kathryn
passed away. I love Rose. We both wished each other a good time
with our plans for tomorrow. She
hugs me good bye.
Hey, did you know that
tomorrow is going to be another beautiful day just like today? It was a gorgeous day last year
too. I remember the sun coming
through Kathryn’s window. I’m so
glad it won’t be rainy and grey.
We have plans for a “Bond Fire” and rain just won’t do.
Thank you all for your love and support. If you know Richard, his birthday is the 9th. He could use some well wished and happy
calls. Kathryn’s birthday is the 5th
and we will go out for dinner as a family as we always did. We will do this for Richard’s birthday
too.
Love to all!
Carol
Carol, you are amazing. Thank you for writing each week and enabling us to see all that we should be grateful for. Good luck this week...we will be thinking of you. Julie A.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteSomething led me to open your blog today - my daughter Shelby met Kathryn at WWU when Shelby was a freshman suffering from homesickness. Kathryn welcomed her warmly to the Relay for Life. I just wanted you to know that I have not forgotten what your dear daughter gave to mine in helping her adjust to college. We sent a card when Kathryn passed, but I bookmarked your blog and have often thought of you. Shelby will graduate in March and I will always be grateful to your daughter for helping her branch out and make friends and get involved at Western. Shelby decided to take snowboarding at WWU and she broke her left wrist quite badly a couple of weeks ago - she was such a great patient and the doctors commented on it- her comment back was that she had known others that had to go through so many difficult medical things- this was just a broken wrist and she figured she could do that.
God bless your family - your Kathryn and my dear grandma shared a birthday :)
Kathryn will always be a part of Shelby's memories of college.