Love – Love – Love 2-16-13
I would first like to share a couple of things that were
written in conjunction with the anniversary of Kathryn’s passing and Kathryn’s
birthday. Being that both days
were so close it is hard to pull them apart now. I was so touched by what Casey wrote I was compelled to
share as it speaks of how Kathryn touched the hearts of those around her.
Reflecting on how your
courage, love and wisdom has influenced my life brings about a lot of emotions.
Sadness through death, however, is but a footnote on the overwhelmingly
wonderful life that you led during your short time on this earth; infinitely
surpassing long-led lives of so many others. Kate was right, it doesn't get any
easier. That special place in our heart for Panda isn't going to go away, but
it was never meant to. Your spirit was meant to inhabit all of us -- never
leaving, always loving. I'm not quite sure of the best way to remember today.
The go-to is always to have a few drinks with old friends, but that doesn't
seem to do it justice. I'll keep brainstorming throughout the day.
Panda,
you're the archetype of a life well-lived, especially true given the time that
you had. You continue to live on inside of all of our smiles, our empathy, our
ups and our downs. If I see Richard today, I'll give him a huge hug for ya.
Wishing all the best to your family, friends and campmates!
Love ya
always,
Casey
This next one form Jody
also speaks to the person my beautiful daughter had become. Loving and gentle. Always caring about those around her
caring those she just met.
Jody Wickett has left a new comment on your post
"The Eve of Kathryn’s Passing 2-2-13":
Hello,
Something led me to open your blog today - my
daughter Shelby met Kathryn at WWU when Shelby was a freshman suffering from
homesickness. Kathryn welcomed her warmly to the Relay for Life. I just wanted
you to know that I have not forgotten what your dear daughter gave to mine in
helping her adjust to college. We sent a card when Kathryn passed, but I
bookmarked your blog and have often thought of you. Shelby will graduate in
March and I will always be grateful to your daughter for helping her branch out
and make friends and get involved at Western. Shelby decided to take
snowboarding at WWU and she broke her left wrist quite badly a couple of weeks
ago - she was such a great patient and the doctors commented on it- her comment
back was that she had known others that had to go through so many difficult
medical things- this was just a broken wrist and she figured she could do that.
God bless your family - your Kathryn and my dear
grandma shared a birthday :)
Kathryn will always be a part of Shelby's memories
of college.
I remember this so well. I’m so glad Kathryn made such a big difference in Shelby’s
life. Maybe some day Shelby would
like to volunteer at Camp Goodtimes.
She would have been asking Shelby herself if she were still here. Kathryn loved camp and would want to
share the joy of camp with Shelby.
Richard left on his ski adventure on Sunday the 11th. We all pitched in to help him get his
teardrop trailor ready to go. All
of us, Mitch, Bee ,Scott and myself.
We all played a part in getting him off. I made curtains and painted the exterior. It’s fun to be part of his life and
help with things like this. He’ll
be gone for about 5 weeks. As he
was saying his good byes Bee starting crying. It’s hard to say good bye. Richard gave her a hug and kiss and told her, “I’ll be
back” in his sweet loving voice. I remember him telling me this same
thing in his sweet voice as he left one evening to go back the Bellingham. I was crying as he had just moved out a
few weeks before.
I also received fabulous news about Rowan. Her PET scan showed no cancer activity
at all. The MRI had shown that the
tumor was stable meaning no growth but the PET scan showed no cancer cell activity. Now, I was told this means either the
tumor is now a low grade tumor or all of the cancer is dead!. I don’t believe the tumor could really
go from a deadly grade 4 to a low grade not even detectable tumor. I believe that the second is true. If now there is no cancer cell activity
then that damn thing is dead. Now it
just needs to break up and desolve away like it is supposed to in this
treatment plan. I have prayed for
Rowan and I know many others are praying for her too. If you have a spare moment put in a prayer for her. At four years old she doesn’t even
realize what is going on.
So I was asked to tell our cancer story at the PLU
Relay for Life Kick Off. this was
on Wednesday. I had prepared my
speech and printed it off. I
looked over it a few times but not enough. But I felt ok to do this. When I got up front it was very informal, just the college
style. I felt comfortable and this
made it very easy to just set the speech aside and go for it. As I talked I could tell every ear was
wide open and all eyes were on me.
These young people were soaking up every word and feeling my pain. They hugged me when I was done. They told me I was brave and
strong. I was assured that my
little girl was there with me by my side.
Oh, she was and she was encouraging me as she always did. One young man came up to me and shared
about his brain cancer. He said he
didn’t know how his Mom did it. I
told him that we just do it. We do
what we have to do and would do anything for our children. He asked for my email and I was happy
to give it to him. I hope he
contacts me. It was a good evening
overall.
So Thursday was Valentines Day a holiday Kathryn
didn’t think much of. She thought
it was dumb to have a day to show the people you love ,that you love them. She thought you should show your love
everyday. She’s a smart girl. Even though she felt this way she
still gave out Valentines. We
never made a big deal about the day but we did give each other cards and Scott
has bought me jewelry as he did this year. He gave me a beautiful opal ring. It is very different and I really like it. Scott also made crab legs for dinner as
he knows I love crab.
During the day I gave out candy to my
students. Forgot 1st
and 2nd period but made up for it on Friday. I had been looking at the pictures on
my wall a lot this day and my heart was really missing Kathryn. Well, that feeling of missing her had
been very strong all week.
Probably watching Richard leave and know neither of my children were
near (physically) had been making me sad, I play it off ok during the day but
at night I cry. On my way to and
from work I cry. In the shower I
cry. Any alone time is cry
time. Well, Thursday during 4th
period I got a sign. I was in
class and we were just going to start the homework when the projector screen
flew up. Ten years in this room
and that has never happened. In
fact to make that screen go up you have to tug down and right or left and then
it releases. One of the boys
yelled out, “It’s a sign,” All I
could say is, “Oh, yes it is a sign alright.” It was Kathryn letting me know she was there. She knows that I need a loud sign not
something subtle. Wow, what a way
to say, I’m here! Some people may
say it is a fluke but I know it was her.
The next class period 5th we had some interesting
conversations. This class is
lively but also hard workers. They
are the perfect kind of class. They have energy but they also know when to work
and when to play. We have a good
time.
I saw on the Long Island Median the other day that a
guy thought he saw his brother and she confirmed that it was his brother. So, now when my student was so sure
that she saw Kathryn in the store, maybe she really did.
On Friday two of my students who are in my fifth
period class hung around a couple of extra minutes like they do on most
days. The boy asked me about the
weekend since we have a 5 day break.
I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. I said, “Last year at this time I was
planning a funeral for my daughter.”
The girl said, “You seem happy for a person to have had such a bad thing
happen, but that’s a good thing.”
I said it is a good thing.
My daughter would want me to be happy. She agreed.
It’s funny coming from this particular girl. She also told me, “I don’t love anyone. There is just something wrong with me
inside. I don’t have the ability
to love. I don’t know how to
love,” I don’t remember what I
said but my heart broke. I can’t
imagine not loving and if you don’t feel you can love do you feel like you are
loved by others? How can she feel this way? I love my children with my whole heart. I know they know how much I love
them. I didn’t spoil them to show
I loved them. I cared for them and
raised them to be responsible and love others. I taught them to be kind and that money doesn’t make you or
your life but the people who you surround your self with make your life. I taught them to give is to get more in
return. I know they love and feel
love. I only hope this young girl
will feel that she too can love some day.
She has stopped by my room after school in a awkward kind of way. It’s like she wants to talk but doesn’t
know how to just stop in. After
this week I know a little more. On
a good note she got her first A on a test in my class. I was very excited when I graded her
test and she shouted with excitement when she got her test back. This is a good
thing and hopefully more good things will come her way.
Today I shared lunch with my friend Lynn. We are
friends through our daughter’s experience at Camp Goodtimes. Her daughter is fighting this cancer
and is receiving blood transfusions regularly. I think she is getting platelets. I’m glad I thanked the man last week at the blood bank for
donating platelets regularly. He
doesn’t know why I thanked him but I know it took many donors for Kathryn to
receive all those bags of platelets that she needed. Again it is such a gift to give blood and know that you are
helping others. It takes so little
time and does so much.
It’s Saturday night now and no real plans. Scott and I are going to look at
electrical jobs tomorrow. I enjoy
doing this with him.
I’ll continue to look for signs form Kathryn. I hope to see her sometime. Others have seen their loved ones and
my day will come. After I told
someone about the projector screen I realized that the entry light had
flickered too. That was a few days
before. I think it was a Kathryn
sign too but I wasn’t paying enough attention so she gave me a loud and clear
sign I couldn’t miss. I love her
so much.
Take care now,
Love those around you and let them know it. There should never be a person in this
world who doesn’t know how to love or doesn’t feel loved. Share love and spread the joy of life. We
are just a blip in time and that blip should be a good one.
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