About Me

Kathryn Bradley was born on 2/5/91 and given a Hawaiian name Kahiwalani meaning "Gift From Heaven" She has been a special gift from the day she was born.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

February 2013

February 2013

Kathryn continues to inspire people.  When I went to church with my Mom a friend came up to us to share her thoughts.  She said she reads the tri-fold that we handed out at Kathryn’s service last year.  She reads it for inspiration often.  Kathryn’s essay in that tri-fold is pretty incredible.  I have read it a few times myself and can’t believe we raised such a strong and courageous young lady.

Scott and I went to an electrical job together last week and met a couple of sweet people.  The man, Ken, is an old golf pro.  Very proud of his past, as he should be.  His wife Linda is a nice lady.  She asked me if I was a cancer survivor.  I was wearing my Wired jacket with all of my pink ribbon pins on it.  I told I wasn’t a real survivor but in a way I was.  Scott told her we lost our 20 year old daughter to brain cancer last year.  Her heart sank.  We talked about it for a bit and I shared Rowan’s story too.  As we talked we both acknowledged that there is a reason to everything.  She got real excited when she said, “I bet it has to do with Rowan.  Some day in the future there will be something big with you and Rowan.”  Maybe she is right.  Maybe some day I will stand with Rowan to help promote and protect the Doctor that is now saving her life.  I have been praying recently for God to give me direction.  I hope he will show me just what it is that I’m supposed to do with my great loss.  What good am I supposed to do from this?  There must be something but I am not sure what it is just yet.

As I chatted with my friend on the phone she said she thinks Kathryn is at Mary Bridge Hospital.  She thinks she is there, helping children and maybe even helping some of them cross over.  Scott and I both thought that this is possible.  We didn’t think about her spirit being at Mary Bridge but it really makes the most sense.  Kathryn did want to work there as a child life specialist.  She did want to bring comfort to children and families.  She wanted to make their treatments easy and she wanted to make them smile and share her love and joy.  She would know how to do this.  We did it each and every time.  When she was little we brought arts and crafts to do when we knew it was an all day treatment.  On shorter days we brought movies or other things to do.  We joked and laughed even in the mist of barfing.  One of the nurses was so great that she had us decorate a barf pan so beautiful that Kathryn wouldn’t want to get it dirty.  It actually worked.  So, hopefully Kathryn is bringing comfort to those who need it.

Scott and I went to the Wine Auction meeting for Camp Goodtimes.  We are working on gathering donations and helping with the decorations.  We are also inviting people to buy tickets.  I’m looking forward to this night.  It should be a lot of fun.  We are working the day before and the day of and then attending as guests.  Dinner and dancing for a great cause (Camp Goodtimes)!

I was reading my book, “Closer Than You Think”, and I came to a chapter about living for two.  Living for the ones we lost.  Well, not living for them but living with them.  Sharing the things we do with them.  Doing some things that they would like to do.  Doing something they always dreamed of doing.  It was a good chapter about sharing your life as you would have with the one you lost just as if they were still here.  I think doing the things Kathryn enjoyed as we do has made it easy to feel as if she is still here.  I was thinking the other day that I as though she is still here most of the time.  As the light flickered above the sink I use in the bathroom I said, Make it glow brighter Kathryn and it did.  It glowed brighter and then it dimmed and then it slowly reached that bright glow again.  I thanked her and it stopped and stayed steady.  I think of all of the connections we had and now that we still have.  I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter.  She was perfect in every way.

I went to the gym on Thursday.  My trainer, Rosey, is the very best.  As we were signing up days for my future training sessions one date I chose was Monday the 25th.  As soon as I said the 25th I also made a noise.  Maybe a little grown or something.  She asked if it was ok.  I just said it is one of those anniversary dates.  It is the anniversary of Kathryn’s celebration of life.  It will be one year since we said our final good byes.  The day I tried so hard to say in a few minutes just how special she was.  I tried to share how much she shared with all of us and how much love she had to give and did give.  I tried to make the point that she protected all of us from pain and suffering but not allowing us to see hers.  I wanted to do it right and felt I came our a bit short but I did do the best that I could that day.  I think the displays showed how wonderful her life was and how much she packed into 20 years. 

I also went to a retirement party for a wonderful lady from Fife.  She really encouraged me and tried to help me find resources for my Mom when my Dad was ill.  She also gave me courage and strength in terms of Kathryn’s situation.  As I talked to her at this party she said she was glad to see that I have come to terms with my loss after all it is something I cannot change.  I did tell her that I had prayed for over a year to have it change but do realize that it will not.  I have to say once and a while I still try to get God to bring her back.  I argue my point with him in hopes that he sees my side of the story and will make the change.  But in reality I know God just doesn’t do this.  I know that I will see Kathryn and I should do everything that I can to make this life the best I can.  Maybe living more like Kathryn and with Kathryn will help me do the best.  It hits me that way now and then and my life feels real good.  I feel so good when I do for others.  When I feel I have touched someone for the better my heart fills with joy, as Kathryn’s heart must have so many times.  She touched so many people in such positive ways. 

My cousin shared a story on facebook.  It was really all about accepting people.  Or should I say not to sweat over the small things in life.  There are so many things to be grateful for that we shouldn’t whine and complain. To appreciate those we love even when they are not perfect.  Nobody is perfect.  We all have our flaws.  It was a good story that made me think about appreciating my friends and family more. 

I spent Saturday (2-23-13) afternoon with my Mom.  We went to the trade show at the fair grounds to see my brother Pat in action.  He runs the Bremerton National Airport.  He has the flight school, a shop and takes care of all of the fuel.  It is a big responsibility.   After we attended to trade show I took Mom to Sumner to buy her some tools for her wood carving class.  I’m glad she is so outgoing and not afraid to try new things.  My Mom was a big inspiration for Richard and Kathryn.  She certainly taught them about love and family.  She’s the best!

My Mom shared a story with me about a family who put their Mom in assistant living.  They sold her house and her car.  Why?  She had broken two fingers.  That’s hardly a reason to do this.  She still drove and would meet her friend at church weekly.  They took away her independence.  She was treated like she was in their way and they just didn’t have time to help her.  Well, I assured my Mom that we would not do this to her.  My Mom is independent and I want her to have this.  I know that I like to be independent and would be very upset if this happened to me.  What’s that golden rule?  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  I guess this family forgot the golden rule.  I know that Scott’s Mom was deciding on moving into a retirement center with all of the different levels of care.  She had filled out the forms and was going to move when a place came available.  She really didn’t want to do this.  She died in her own home before any move happened.  I think this is just what she wanted.  I’m glad she didn’t have to move or go through any suffering.  She would have missed her home, pool and friends just dropping by.  In fact she was waiting that day for her nephew and family to stop by.  That is who found her.  Always an open house and heart.

We also watched the movie, The Help, last night.  The woman put her mother in a nursing home for laughing at her.  This movie had a lot to say about the character of people.  I hope to have a good character and instill in my son how important good character is.  I believe Richard is a fine young man with a lot to give. 

Take care,

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Love – Love – Love 2-16-13

Love – Love – Love 2-16-13

I would first like to share a couple of things that were written in conjunction with the anniversary of Kathryn’s passing and Kathryn’s birthday.  Being that both days were so close it is hard to pull them apart now.  I was so touched by what Casey wrote I was compelled to share as it speaks of how Kathryn touched the hearts of those around her.

Reflecting on how your courage, love and wisdom has influenced my life brings about a lot of emotions. Sadness through death, however, is but a footnote on the overwhelmingly wonderful life that you led during your short time on this earth; infinitely surpassing long-led lives of so many others. Kate was right, it doesn't get any easier. That special place in our heart for Panda isn't going to go away, but it was never meant to. Your spirit was meant to inhabit all of us -- never leaving, always loving. I'm not quite sure of the best way to remember today. The go-to is always to have a few drinks with old friends, but that doesn't seem to do it justice. I'll keep brainstorming throughout the day. 

Panda, you're the archetype of a life well-lived, especially true given the time that you had. You continue to live on inside of all of our smiles, our empathy, our ups and our downs. If I see Richard today, I'll give him a huge hug for ya. Wishing all the best to your family, friends and campmates! 

Love ya always,


This next one form Jody also speaks to the person my beautiful daughter had become.  Loving and gentle.  Always caring about those around her caring those she just met.

Jody Wickett has left a new comment on your post "The Eve of Kathryn’s Passing 2-2-13":

Something led me to open your blog today - my daughter Shelby met Kathryn at WWU when Shelby was a freshman suffering from homesickness. Kathryn welcomed her warmly to the Relay for Life. I just wanted you to know that I have not forgotten what your dear daughter gave to mine in helping her adjust to college. We sent a card when Kathryn passed, but I bookmarked your blog and have often thought of you. Shelby will graduate in March and I will always be grateful to your daughter for helping her branch out and make friends and get involved at Western. Shelby decided to take snowboarding at WWU and she broke her left wrist quite badly a couple of weeks ago - she was such a great patient and the doctors commented on it- her comment back was that she had known others that had to go through so many difficult medical things- this was just a broken wrist and she figured she could do that.
God bless your family - your Kathryn and my dear grandma shared a birthday :)
Kathryn will always be a part of Shelby's memories of college.

I remember this so well.  I’m so glad Kathryn made such a big difference in Shelby’s life.  Maybe some day Shelby would like to volunteer at Camp Goodtimes.  She would have been asking Shelby herself if she were still here.  Kathryn loved camp and would want to share the joy of camp with Shelby.

Richard left on his ski adventure on Sunday the 11th.  We all pitched in to help him get his teardrop trailor ready to go.  All of us, Mitch, Bee ,Scott and myself.  We all played a part in getting him off.  I made curtains and painted the exterior.  It’s fun to be part of his life and help with things like this.  He’ll be gone for about 5 weeks.  As he was saying his good byes Bee starting crying.  It’s hard to say good bye.  Richard gave her a hug and kiss and told her, “I’ll be back”  in his sweet loving voice.  I remember him telling me this same thing in his sweet voice as he left one evening to go back the Bellingham.  I was crying as he had just moved out a few weeks before.

I also received fabulous news about Rowan.  Her PET scan showed no cancer activity at all.  The MRI had shown that the tumor was stable meaning no growth but the PET scan showed no cancer cell activity.  Now, I was told this means either the tumor is now a low grade tumor or all of the cancer is dead!.  I don’t believe the tumor could really go from a deadly grade 4 to a low grade not even detectable tumor.  I believe that the second is true.  If now there is no cancer cell activity then that damn thing is dead.  Now it just needs to break up and desolve away like it is supposed to in this treatment plan.  I have prayed for Rowan and I know many others are praying for her too.  If you have a spare moment put in a prayer for her.  At four years old she doesn’t even realize what is going on. 

So I was asked to tell our cancer story at the PLU Relay for Life Kick Off.  this was on Wednesday.  I had prepared my speech and printed it off.  I looked over it a few times but not enough.  But I felt ok to do this.  When I got up front it was very informal, just the college style.  I felt comfortable and this made it very easy to just set the speech aside and go for it.  As I talked I could tell every ear was wide open and all eyes were on me.  These young people were soaking up every word and feeling my pain.  They hugged me when I was done.  They told me I was brave and strong.  I was assured that my little girl was there with me by my side.  Oh, she was and she was encouraging me as she always did.  One young man came up to me and shared about his brain cancer.  He said he didn’t know how his Mom did it.  I told him that we just do it.  We do what we have to do and would do anything for our children.  He asked for my email and I was happy to give it to him.  I hope he contacts me.  It was a good evening overall.

So Thursday was Valentines Day a holiday Kathryn didn’t think much of.  She thought it was dumb to have a day to show the people you love ,that you love them.  She thought you should show your love everyday.  She’s a smart girl.   Even though she felt this way she still gave out Valentines.  We never made a big deal about the day but we did give each other cards and Scott has bought me jewelry as he did this year.  He gave me a beautiful opal ring.  It is very different and I really like it.  Scott also made crab legs for dinner as he knows I love crab.

During the day I gave out candy to my students.  Forgot 1st and 2nd period but made up for it on Friday.  I had been looking at the pictures on my wall a lot this day and my heart was really missing Kathryn.  Well, that feeling of missing her had been very strong all week.  Probably watching Richard leave and know neither of my children were near (physically) had been making me sad, I play it off ok during the day but at night I cry.  On my way to and from work I cry.  In the shower I cry.  Any alone time is cry time.  Well, Thursday during 4th period I got a sign.  I was in class and we were just going to start the homework when the projector screen flew up.  Ten years in this room and that has never happened.  In fact to make that screen go up you have to tug down and right or left and then it releases.  One of the boys yelled out, “It’s a sign,”  All I could say is, “Oh, yes it is a sign alright.”  It was Kathryn letting me know she was there.  She knows that I need a loud sign not something subtle.  Wow, what a way to say, I’m here!  Some people may say it is a fluke but I know it was her.  The next class period 5th we had some interesting conversations.  This class is lively but also hard workers.  They are the perfect kind of class. They have energy but they also know when to work and when to play.  We have a good time. 

I saw on the Long Island Median the other day that a guy thought he saw his brother and she confirmed that it was his brother.  So, now when my student was so sure that she saw Kathryn in the store, maybe she really did. 

On Friday two of my students who are in my fifth period class hung around a couple of extra minutes like they do on most days.  The boy asked me about the weekend since we have a 5 day break.  I told him I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I said, “Last year at this time I was planning a funeral for my daughter.”  The girl said, “You seem happy for a person to have had such a bad thing happen, but that’s a good thing.”  I said it is a good thing.  My daughter would want me to be happy.  She agreed.  It’s funny coming from this particular girl.  She also told me, “I don’t love anyone.  There is just something wrong with me inside.  I don’t have the ability to love.  I don’t know how to love,”  I don’t remember what I said but my heart broke.  I can’t imagine not loving and if you don’t feel you can love do you feel like you are loved by others? How can she feel this way? I love my children with my whole heart.  I know they know how much I love them.  I didn’t spoil them to show I loved them.  I cared for them and raised them to be responsible and love others.  I taught them to be kind and that money doesn’t make you or your life but the people who you surround your self with make your life.  I taught them to give is to get more in return.  I know they love and feel love.  I only hope this young girl will feel that she too can love some day.  She has stopped by my room after school in a awkward kind of way.  It’s like she wants to talk but doesn’t know how to just stop in.  After this week I know a little more.  On a good note she got her first A on a test in my class.  I was very excited when I graded her test and she shouted with excitement when she got her test back. This is a good thing and hopefully more good things will come her way.

Today I shared lunch with my friend Lynn. We are friends through our daughter’s experience at Camp Goodtimes.  Her daughter is fighting this cancer and is receiving blood transfusions regularly.  I think she is getting platelets.  I’m glad I thanked the man last week at the blood bank for donating platelets regularly.  He doesn’t know why I thanked him but I know it took many donors for Kathryn to receive all those bags of platelets that she needed.  Again it is such a gift to give blood and know that you are helping others.  It takes so little time and does so much. 

It’s Saturday night now and no real plans.  Scott and I are going to look at electrical jobs tomorrow.  I enjoy doing this with him. 

I’ll continue to look for signs form Kathryn.  I hope to see her sometime.  Others have seen their loved ones and my day will come.  After I told someone about the projector screen I realized that the entry light had flickered too.  That was a few days before.  I think it was a Kathryn sign too but I wasn’t paying enough attention so she gave me a loud and clear sign I couldn’t miss.  I love her so much. 

Take care now,
Love those around you and let them know it.  There should never be a person in this world who doesn’t know how to love or doesn’t feel loved.  Share love and spread the joy of life. We are just a blip in time and that blip should be a good one.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

One year ago 2-2-13

One year ago 2-2-13

Friday night (2-1-13) I was in my bubble bath reading my book about connecting to loved ones that have passed.  In this book I was reading about asking for signs from your loved one.  So, I asked for a sign from Kathryn.  I asked her to make the fire flair up while we were all around the Bond Fire. 

On Saturday I had plans to do this and do that to get ready for having friends and family over for a celebration of Kathryn’s life.  As I was standing in the bathroom getting makeup on and such in came Scott and he gave me a hug and said, One year ago.  I knew exactly what he meant.  I asked, “Is it 8:15?” and he said it was a little after.  It was 8:15 when Kathryn took her last little breath.  We stayed with her quietly and then around 9 or so Scott called our neighbor.  He’s the Lakewood Fire Chief.  He promised to come quietly but they have a policy of bringing the big truck and then our house filled with Firemen.  And then the police.  And then around 11:15 the men from the mortuary came to take Kathryn away.  They were so careful and explained to us just what was going to happen.  They informed me that they had to cover her face when they took her outside.  I understood.  I thought about last year and then I had to get busy.  But as I went through the day I did remember the events of the day one year ago.  So hard, but staying busy works for me.  I think it works for Richard too.  Just fill your time, really fill every second and you can’t think about your loss.  The moments I do, sends me to tears.

Planning a gathering or party is what I do well.  Kathryn loved to plan with me.  She was also very good about helping get everything ready and just right.  Richard and Bee were here to help and Scott of course.  The four of us pulled it all together and I didn’t fell stressed at all.  I did take a break and sit in Kathryn’s room.  I talked to her for a while and cried.  I look around her room and remember how pleased she was with the things I did for her.  She was always so appreciative.  I loved to make her happy.

We made pancakes in the shape of animals, flowers and other special things.  We had fruit and sausage too.  We also had tequila sunrises and mimosas.  Everyone had a great time making pancakes.  After dinner we sat around the bond fire and just chatted.  While sitting around the fire there it was.  The only time I really looked towards the fire there was the flair of fire.  Everyone noticed and I just smiled.  There was my sign from Kathryn that she was there with all of us.  I felt so good.  Then we had fireworks.  Well you would have thought it was the fourth of July.  Scott called our neighbor so his son and daughter could watch.  This is the Fire Chief neighbor. 

A couple of people didn’t show up.  It was just too hard for them.  I certainly understand.  I have not attended some things because it would be too hard for me.  But I think we did a good job of taking a very emotional situation and making it ok.  We actually made it a fun evening.  As we all know our loved ones want us to be happy.  Our loved ones want us to celebrate life and embrace life.  I’m trying to do my best to live life like I should. 

During the celebration I had a wonderful talk with Matt’s mom.  We talked a little about Matt.  He is doing ok.  I can’t imagine how hard it was for him to lose Kathryn.  He loved her too.  I think she had a hard time at first getting close to him.  I remember talking to her about him when they first started dating.  She didn’t come right out and say it but I think she feared that her cancer would hurt him.  But I think she found such a kind and gentle person that she couldn’t not be close to him.  She didn’t want to ever hurt Matt or anyone.  I also talked to Matt’s mom about the “Panda Project” they have put together.  They are purchasing water shoes for all of the kids at Camp Goodtimes.  Each child will get a mesh bag with a pair of water shoes in it.  There will be a special Panda button on the bag.  The Panda will have the initials KPB on one paw and a grey ribbon on the other paw.  The first is for Kathryn Panda Bradley and the second is the brain cancer ribbon.  This is all to honor Kathryn’s memory and her love for camp.  It is such a great deal.

Sunday (Super Bowl) the four of us, Scott, Richard, Bee and I all sat around and watched the Super Bowl.  It was a lazy day.  I don’t do that very often. 

Tuesday was Kathryn’s 22nd birthday.  Some of my friends from worked planned a nice little gathering in memory of Kathryn.  We went to Owen’s Beach and Julyn read a nice poem.  They gave me a figurine that holds a balloon with the word hope in it.  It goes with some other angels that were given to us for Kathryn.  We all had tiny bouquets of flowers that we through into the water.  After this we went to Joeseppi’s.  This was the perfect place to go because it is owned by the Stortinis.  Well Kathryn grew up with Joe Stortini’s grandson Jake.  When I first walked in I was greeted by Jake’s Mom.  It was good to see her.  I told her we were there to celebrate Kathryn’s birthday.  Her son Jake attended many of Kathryn’s birthday parties, summer parties and Christmas parties.  They did so much together.  Then I saw Joe Stortini.  I reminded him of who I was and he said he was glad we were celebrating Kathryn’s birthday at his restaurant.  He knew Kathryn too.  Our art teacher brought a project for us to do.  I couldn’t believe it.  She thought of everything.  We had mugs to decorate that she will fire in the kiln.  All of them were made to remember Kathryn.  I remember doing this with Kathryn.  It was my Christmas present from her that year.  We painted and had a nice mother daughter time together.  I cherish the mugs we made together.  We had such a good time.  We had a good time making the mugs on Tuesday too.  I really feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

After completing our project I met Scott and Richard at El Toro for dinner.  We picked El Toro because Kathryn liked to go to dinner there.  She didn’t like it for the Mexican food.  She liked it because she said they made the best grilled cheese sandwich.  She would always say they made it better than any other restaurant.  We made a toast to Kathryn and wished her a happy birthday.  It was simple but we will always celebrate her birthday and life. 

Scott and I headed to bed but while we slept Bee picked up Mitch and his girlfriend at the airport and they all arrived at our house around 10:30 or so.  They got up early and headed out to pick up Matt and then do to our cabin in Packwood.  A couple of days of skiing together before Mitch and Richard take off for their 5-week ski adventure. 

Well, I made it through the first year.  It wasn’t easy but with love and encouragement from friends, family and even strangers I was able to make it.  Thanks to all of you!

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Eve of Kathryn’s Passing 2-2-13

The Eve of Kathryn’s Passing 2-2-13

Last weekend I was at Fred Meyers purchasing a couple of sympathy cards.  Another lady joined me.  I made the comment, “This type of card is always hard to buy.”  I shared that I was buying cards for two young people both around twenty.  They both have services tomorrow 2-2-13.  I won’t be attending neither service as you can understand or you will understand later in this blog.  As I talked to her Kathryn came up and we both talked about life after death and things like that.  She said, “We are just a blip in time.”  She said, “This life is just a very small part (a blip) of the eternal life to come.  I had to agree.  She was there and her words made me think and remember that our time is yet to come.  Kathryn is already enjoying the eternal life free and happy.  Little reminders like this are so helpful.  God must know that I need these from time to time because he just keeps sending me people to uplift me and bring me peace.

I did get word from Rowan’s Mom Rebecca.  The MRI showed that the tumor was stable.  MRI’s don’t show or tell everything so they are doing a PET scan.  We all are hoping for better than stable.  When I talked to Rebecca she had asked me about Kathryn’s favorite colors.  She loved blue and then I told her that her room was green, yellow and blue but rainbows were in her liking too.  They were planning a gift.  I didn’t realize this.  They had three”Glassbabies” sent to us.  They are out of Seattle.  Glassbabies are hand blown glass votive candle holders.  They were started by a three time cancer survivor so very fitting for a gift for Kathryn or us.  They are made to share hope and give peace.  The light glows so beautifully in each one.  They sent a green, blue and white one.  For the earth, sea and peace.  I placed them on the fireplace mantel.  Rebecca also wrote a beautiful letter to me too.  I had said something about not having talked to Kathryn enough or much at all about death.  We didn’t share a lot about fears.  I only know a few things and one was that she was really concerned about Richard.  She wanted to make sure he would be ok.  She wanted to give him something like we did the first round with cancer and that was skiing.  But Rebecca reassured me that we did things just fine.  This is a little of what she wrote:  surviving cancer as a child changed Kathryn into someone strong and with a unique perspective about life and death. I am certain she suffered knowing she would be leaving her loved ones behind, but I imagine that she also was able to face what was ahead better than most people. Perhaps you two could have discussed death and dying more, but it seems to me that everyone was trying to create an environment that wasn't sad and bleak. You all strived, including Kathryn, to relish every moment you had together and every beautiful moment she had left on this earth.”  She is so right.  Kathryn was forever changed when she survived cancer as a child.  She didn’t take anything for granted.  Not time, people or love.  She shared herself with others and she loved everyone.  She enjoyed life so much because she did know how precious it was.  And as for all of us relishing every moment including Kathryn, that is spot on.  We even had fun in the hospital down in Houston when Kathryn had to get transfusions.  We decorated the entire room where we would go each day at the clinic.  It was a big room with several people getting treatments or learning how to do all the things like draw blood, set the pumps and change the needles for the port.  We made a bunch of snowflakes and taught the nurse how to make them too.  The place was covered with snowflakes.  “The Bradley’s left their mark.”  I wouldn’t allow people to talk negative around Kathryn.  When Matt came to visit he shared stories with Kathryn.  He made up stories for her too just like she would do for him.  At one point I told the people who came to the house that I wasn’t going to talk to them any more if they were going to talk about my daughter dying.  I had enough.  I only wanted to talk about good things and listen to Richard read to Kathryn or read her strange animal friends storybook to her.  I guess the little we did talk about dying was enough.  We had better things to share. 

Today is Friday 2-1-12.  One year ago when I said good night to Kathryn I told her, If Jesus comes to take you tonight, please tell him you don’t want to go.”  I prayed hard that night still believing she would wake up in the morning and smile at me and get up and out of bed.  I truly believed it was going to happen.  As I took her blood pressure I realized something was different.  Usually her blood pressure started to climb around 5am.  This morning it was normal.  I thought this was either really bad or really good.  I was still hoping for really good.  I was hoping my prayers had been answered and the normal blood pressure was the beginning of normality for everything.  Then her oxygen level fell but came back up.  Then it fell and came back up.  I got Richard and we cleared her trec.  Richard and I both knew this was it.  We agreed that we won’t bag Kathryn because we were going to let her go peacefully.  We discussed that even if we brought her back she would not be Kathryn.  She would not want to live a life that wasn’t her life.  Even if we were to give her a breath or two it wouldn’t have been for long.  So, I had Richard get Scott and Grandma.  As we all know her eyes didn’t open on that morning of the 2nd.  I watched as my baby took her last breath.  It was about 8:15 am.  We all cried and told her how much we loved her.  By then she was already out of her body.  She was there in spirit and watching us. 

Now I think of two families having services for their children tomorrow.  One a girl and one a boy but both about the same age Kathryn was when she passed.  I feel for them but I can’t be there.  My day has been hard enough.  And the days to come will be even harder.

There is always good though.  My dear friend Julie followed me down to my classroom after school today.  She is the Office coordinator.  I said,
“What are you doing down in this neck of the woods.  She said ”I’m following you.”  I thought she was joking but then she turned into my classroom.  She had been shopping for her daughter around Christmas time and she was buying this darling bracelet that is a pinkish metal that has love twisted into it (2 times).  She said something was telling her buy two, buy two.  Maybe Kathryn.  So she bought two and knew she had bought one for me.  Maybe it was Kathryn telling her to send me a message of her love for me.  I would like to think this is the case.  It’s simple but beautiful and such Kathryn style.  We both cried and hugged. She was going to give it to me at Christmas time but then we had a snow day the day she was going to give it to me.  She thought that this being the eve of Kathryn’s passing would be a good time. I thought it was perfect.  Thank you Julie.  I’ve been wearing my Team Bradley ring my other friend Julyn gave me last year on the day Kathryn passed.  It has 4 hearts, one for each of us.  We will always be team Bradley no matter what.

I went to the gym today and my sweet trainer Rose told me that tomorrow is her youngest son’s 2nd birthday.  I said, “I will never forget his birthday.”  I told her that was the day Kathryn passed away.  I love Rose.  We both wished each other a good time with our plans for tomorrow.  She hugs me good bye.

Hey, did you know that  tomorrow is going to be another beautiful day just like today?  It was a gorgeous day last year too.  I remember the sun coming through Kathryn’s window.  I’m so glad it won’t be rainy and grey.  We have plans for a “Bond Fire” and rain just won’t do.

Thank you all for your love and support.  If you know Richard, his birthday is the 9th.  He could use some well wished and happy calls.  Kathryn’s birthday is the 5th and we will go out for dinner as a family as we always did.  We will do this for Richard’s birthday too.

Love to all!