Today is January 19, 2013. Last year at this time we were waiting for our ride with the ambulance. I sat in the hospital with Kathryn and we were both very quiet. Well she couldn’t talk but we didn’t have a lot to communicate about. She was scared. She was scared of going home and dying. She had a good idea of what was going to happen. Richard raced around frantically getting all of her meds together. The most important medication was not filled because the hospital pharmacy was out of it. Richard checked with so many places around town. This took hours. He was finally able to locate some and have some on shipment for later. This pill is very expensive. Kathryn’s oncologist was able to find some out of town. It would have cost $50,000 to have two weeks worth of it shipped to the clinic. Scott was home getting the house ready. It was cold, icy and snowy. He made sure the generator was working too. I was trying to keep Kathryn from worry but her mind was filled with all kinds of thoughts that I can only imagine.
The ambulance finally arrived and we were off. We could have drove in our own car but we didn’t want to chance it if something should go wrong. Kathryn rode in the back and I sat up front giving directions to our house. The roads were bad here and there so I was asked to find the way that would have the most traffic so the roads would be clearer. I could talk to Kathryn, as the window was open between the front and the back. As we approached the hill down to our house the driver stopped. It is a tough road in the winter. There is a steep down hill start and a sharp right hand turn and then down hill some more and a sharp right turn and up the steep driveway. And there was about 6 inches of snow that had ice under it. The guy in the back asked are we going to go down the hill? The driver said, “Well it depends on what they are having for dinner. If it is good we will and if not we won’t.” We all laughed. He then said, “We have to get her home.” That made me very happy. Getting Kathryn home was so important. She hated hospitals.
The ambulance got stuck at the bottom of the driveway. They took Kathryn out on the gurney and pushed her up the driveway through the snow and ice and into the house. We got her set up on the couch in the family room. You know it is the family room because that is where the family hangs out. Shortly after we were all settled in the power went off. Good thing Richard had Scott check the generator out. Within seconds we had the power we needed to run Kathryn oxygen machine. After an hour or two Richard went out to check on the ambulance. They were still there. They were stuck at the bottom of the driveway just in a different position. With Richard’s help they were out in minutes.
It was so good to be home. I gave Kathryn a bath the next morning and shaved her legs. I remember how good she felt. She enjoyed that bath so much. I was so happy to see her feel so good. And we girls all know how good it feels to shave your legs after a long time (one month) without shaving. Her smile and her happiness at that moment were so great! I think I enjoyed it as much as she did.
This week went by really fast again. Life just keeps moving at the speed of sound. On Wednesday night we went to our friends birthday party (50th). It was a nice evening but we couldn’t stay too late since I have to get up at 5:15 in the morning and then face young busy people all day. When Scott and I came home on a shelf in the garage there was this stuffed fish Kathryn had made. It’s a pillow type of deal in the shape of a fish with her name on it. Decorated so pretty! There it was on this shelf where the cat eats. The side with Kathryn facing up. Both Scott and I looked at it and thought of Kathryn right away. When I told Richard and Bee about it they both said Klyde. Klyde is Kathryn’s cat. I guess he use to drag Mitch’s socks and stuff around the house when he lived in Bellingham with the kids. He has never dragged anything around in our house. The only thing he drags around is his mouse with the cap nip in it. I told the mother of one of my students that I tutor about it and she said that she doesn’t believe it to be a coincident. She believes it was Kathryn too. Even if it was Klyde, why that stuffed animal. Why place it so perfectly where we would find it so easily with the side up that reads Kathryn. I also told this Mom about the little girl ghost in my neighbor’s house. She was wowed and also believed it to be Kathryn. The psychic told me that Kathryn would be appearing more towards the end of January. Well, about this time. I think it is happening. My new student saw her, Klyde or Kathryn placing the fish on the shelf and I have been finding coins, which is supposed to be a sign from loved ones too and her bed was wrinkled again one day like she had been sitting on it.
I also watched the Long Island Median. I came across it by chance on Thursday night. It was good to watch. It renewed me. It helps me remember there is life after death and that Kathryn is near and safe. I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could see her. Some day that will all happen. One woman who lost her daughter at a very young age was told that her daughter’s spirit was in her granddaughter. It was a special and very unusual gift. They said they knew that this was the case but now had it confirmed.
We are doing a hero project in advisory for Martin Luther King Day. I remember how Kathryn wrote about me being her hero for a contest. She won that contest and I was treated to a day at the spa. She called me her hero because she believed I saved her life. That was the first time around with cancer. This last time was so different. I felt trapped with nowhere to turn. I never gave up. Even with her laying in the ICU I contacted doctors in hopes that someone would have a different opinion. Hoping that someone would say, “I think we can do something.” Scans were sent overnight but no help in sight. I prayed to God to have this be his miracle that we could share and spread the word of his great work. But that too fell short. I prayed to have Kathryn’s cancer put in my body and taken out of hers but that didn’t work either. I so wanted to be her hero again. But that was not to be either.
I will be taking down the Christmas tree today. Looking at each ornament and remembering the Christmas past. Remembering the when the ornaments were purchased and why. I did find that last little box of ornaments. I knew they would show up and they did.
Life is not the same without Kathryn. A bit lonely at times. Some days are fine but others are so hard. But I can also look at things and remember her laugh and sweet ways that I will always cherish. We want to do something for her birthday 2/5 but not sure if we should do the pancake dinner or not. I don’t want to have Richard’s birthday over shadowed by Kathryn’s birthday or death. He needs his special time too. I always gave them each a special birthday even if they are only 4 days apart. So send your thoughts and ideas.
Have a great weekend.