A NEW YEAR – 2013
As the new year approached I caught a ride up to Packwood with Richard’s girlfriend Bee. Richard has our car there because he still doesn’t have his car back or a new car since his accident on 12-14. Why Packwood? We have a cabin up there and we ski at White Pass. I enjoyed a day of skiing with Richard, Bee and Lucas (another friend of Richard’s). We had a great time but by 1:30 I had to stop. My leg was hurting and I could hardly walk. Oh the joys of getting older. Bee and I sat in the lodge as Richard worked in the upper lodge from 11 to 3. He works up there just enough to get a free seasons pass and pay. Lucas skied a bit more and then joined us again. Bee and I had a very nice chat. I enjoy my time with her. She is so easy to talk to. We do talk about Kathryn and her sister and Dad. Her sister’s story is so much like Kathryn’s but it all happened much faster. They didn’t have the 11 years of no cancer like we did.
On the way back home from Packwood I stopped by my Mom’s house. We had a nice visit. My Mom is the best. She knows just what to say and what not to say. She is supportive and does not judge. She loves all of us with all of her heart. She would help anyone with anything at anytime. She’s fun to be with. She likes to joke around and be silly. I love that about her. Richard and Kathryn always liked that too. She is a good friend and mother figure for Scott. She is the best Mom.
Scott and I hung out at home for New Year’s Eve. At 10 he and a neighbor coordinated setting off fireworks together. We had given a cake to Richard to set off up in Packwood. A cake is a box of 20 or more shots that go up and make those beautiful displays in the sky. We sat in the Hot tub and talked about our feelings about Kathryn. We both had been a bit depressed the past few days and the days that had followed Christmas. It’s hard not having her here but she is everywhere too. There isn’t a place in our house that doesn’t bring back memories of Kathryn. We both miss her sweet voice and soft touch. I really think she does come sit on the bed some nights. I feel the depression of the mattress like someone is there. And I find nothing when I turn and look. Maybe some day I will see her there.
Back to school on the 2nd marked the 11th month since Kathryn’s passing. Being busy and back to work helps. The feelings are there. The disbelief that your little girl is gone is strong. Most of the time I don’t really believe she is gone. It feels like she is still here. It seems that she is just out and about. But when the reality of it hits it is hard to take. Sitting here right now… well it is hard to understand why I should be writing about my daughter in this way. Why such a wonderful person is taken from a world that needs more people like Kathryn not less. Why do those crappy people get to live long full lives? Yes, I am being judge mental but here are a lot of crappy, sucky people out there that should have gone before Kathryn. She so deserved to live a long and happy life. God should have taken me before Kathryn. I told him that over and over.
I’m staying busy to help get through this. I will be tutoring 6 hours a week after working a full day at school. Yep, and I’m fitting in the gym and maybe more PT. I think I can do the PT on my own so this week I may just go to the gym and work out one day and do PT the next on my own at the gym. So the gym four times (Mon – Thurs).
My Mom and I had a nice chat yesterday. She called to let me know that my dear Aunt Irene passed away. She was 95 and of strong faith. I’m sure she was happy to go join her Husband (Uncle Jack). So this was not a sad phone call. She wasn’t getting around so good and this is hard for a strong and independent woman. Passing away and heading to Heaven would be something she welcomed. I’m so glad I was able to get my Dad and Mom down to California to see Aunt Irene and Uncle Jack before they both passed away. This discussion with my Mom brought up the idea that some people say if you have faith and pray your prayers will be answered and your loved one will be healed. Well, she and I both disagree with that. Uncle Jack and Aunt Irene both had enough faith in God for the entire world. My daughter didn’t die because of my lack of faith. Other children didn’t die because of lack of faith. That is just BS and makes me angry when people say things like this. God has a plan for each and every one of us. Kathryn’s plan for her time on Earth was fulfilled. After all I don’t know anyone who has inspired so many people to better their lives and the lives of others in such a short time. Kathryn helped so many people open their eyes and hearts. She truly touched people in a special way. Myself included!
Richard is much like Kathryn. He has that understanding heart. He is looking forward to working with and helping the siblings of children with cancer. He is excited to get a sibling program started through Camp Goodtimes. I’m excited to watch my son be the leader in this program. I’m excited to watch him as he helps others. I’m excited to see him share his heart and love. This is hard to do after losing someone so close to you. I know that he is at this time protecting his heart. He may not realize it but he is. It’s natural to want to protect your self from pain and heartache. I know I did it for years after my Grandma died. Three years and then I opened my heart to have it crushed and then it took another 3 years to try again.
With the new year my only plan is to make it better than the last four or five years. It has been a long run with bad things happening to my family every since my Dad had his first stroke in October of 2008. From that day things went from bad to worse all the way to 2-2-12 the day Kathryn passed away. Then we had to deal with our healing issues and now it is 2013. It has started off on the right track. My good friend Robyn just got a new job. She has been out of work for a few years now and this is going to be the best thing for her. We are so excited! My job is going well. Richard is enjoying life. Scott is doing well. We are all healthy and financially we are fine. My Mom is doing well and all of our siblings and their families are doing well. There may be little bumps in the road as we travel through 2013 but there can’t possibly be any big road blocks like we have had. I’m looking forward to a good year.
I hope you all find health, happiness and good fortune in 2013.
Love to all,