December 3rd to 8th
This weekend Scott and I went to the cabin. We have redone the kitchen and it
really looks good. We did
plumbing, painting, electrical, carpentry and clean up. We brought Kathryn’s ipod with us and
listened to her music while we worked.
As I listened I couldn’t help but think about what Kathryn would be
thinking about each song. How she
might dance to the music or laugh at the words. How would she feel while hearing certain songs? What would she be thinking? I know that some of the songs were
songs she had for me and others for Scott and one came on she specifically told
me she had for Richard. These
things I will never forget. Scott
and I did a beautiful job making over the kitchen if I do say so myself.
I was also left a beautiful message on the last blog. Thank you!
My friend had called while I was at the cabin and left a
message. She said that hearing
Kathryn’s voice on the recording is like she is not gone at all. I agree. I guess that’s why it is and will be there forever as far as
I’m concerned. I have called it
just to hear her voice. I
think Scott has too.
Scott was looking through some of his text messages from
Kathryn. Those things are nice to
go back to and read. I have done
it too.
So much is going on in my head. Today (December 3rd) was the day we flew home
from Houston. It just wouldn’t
leave my mind today. For the first
time this school year I had to walk out of the room to go hide my tears. While in the bathroom one of my
students from a different period walked in the bathroom. She asked me if I was ok. She said, I know how you feel. I could only say, “You have no
idea.” She understood. She knew not to take it the wrong
way. She was good about not saying
too much and knowing she could say just enough to help.
I couldn’t take the thought of Kathryn so excited to get
home out of my mind. She was doing
so well that day. She wanted to be
herself and independent. She
wanted to prove she could do things on her own and she did. She wanted so badly to get better and
live. I wanted her to get better
and live too. We all did!
I had to leave my 6th period class for a moment
too. I found a paper Kathryn had
written in my computer. She knew
where she stood way back in 2010.
She wrote about her cancer as a blessing but still knowing that she had
a grade 4 brain tumor. How does
one write in such a positive manor when your life may end by this disease you
believe has brought so many blessings to your life. It did bless us, all of us in one way or another. We never took it as a negative but as
an awareness. A disease that
brought us together, gave us more friends and family. It made us aware of others. It made us open and feel more for others than
ourselves. Yes, it gave us love to
share and hope to give to others even when our own situation was at the end and
still to this day we give to those less fortunate and share hope through our
experience.
I looked at the photos on the wall in my classroom. Kathryn made our lives silly. She was the one that had us pose in
silly ways. She was the thinker of
silly ways to spice up life. I
miss that.
After school I gave blood. I was greeted with a big cheer as I had reached the 6 gallon
mark. I started donating at the
first Relay for Life that I attended.
So Kathryn’s cancer got me started. I hated needles and finally became brave probably after
seeing my little 8 year old daughter being so brave each time she had to be
poked. And she got poked a
lot. We have the beanie babies to
prove it. I bought her one after
she would get a poke but only if she was good and cooperative. I think there was only one time she
didn’t get one out of all those many many times. She made me a better person. She made me brave, she made me realize that I should and
could give blood. It’s not so bad.
The young man who set me up to give blood today was kind, gentle and
soft spoken. He had a good sense
of humor too. He is applying to
nursing school and I hope he gets in.
He will be a wonderful nurse.
You can just tell that he has the compassion needed for that job.
Today I also read the Camp Goodtimes newletter. I didn’t know that my son had written
an article for it. He wrote how
camp gave him a place to share with other siblings. He also wrote how he and Kathryn loved camp and how they
looked forward to camp each year and every day of the year because it became a
big part of their lives. He wrote
about how the camp family was there for us during Kathryn’s diagnoses and still
to this day. He wrote about how it
made him and Kathryn a team. Yes,
they were a team for camp. There
was a beautiful picture of the two of them too. There was also a picture of the holiday cruise that was a
couple of weeks ago. It was a
large group picture but in the middle being held up high was a panda bear. We all know that it was there for
Kathryn. Yep, She will always be
part of Camp Goodtimes.
Monday was an emotional day and I laid on the couch that
night feeling sorry for myself.
Tuesday was a much better day.
Wednesday even better. I
started my physical therapy for my knee and hip on Wednesday. While in the waiting room and man
started a conversation with me. He
was talking about his 21 year old daughter moving back home. She was changing colleges so she could
move home and save money. He was
kind of making it like it was a bad thing. All I could think is how I wish my Kathryn were moving home. I talked to him and told him to enjoy
the time with his daughter. Before
he knows it she will be out of the house for good. As he left that night I reminded him as he said good bye to
enjoy his children each and every moment.
I don’t think he was upset that his daughter was moving home just a bit
surprised and talking like most parents would if their adult child moved back
home. I know I would have never
complained. I would have loved to
have Richard and Kathryn live with me forever.
On Friday we had two Christmas parties to go to. The first one was for the Mary Bridge
Hematology and Oncology departments.
I was asked earlier for an 8 by 10 of Kathryn for the Angel table. I think Trinna knew I was having a hard
time thinking about going to the clinic and dropping off the picture. She asked me If she could make a print
of one of the pictures I had sent her and I said yes. It was actually a big relief. When we arrived at the clinic party we were greeted with
hugs and love. It really felt
good. While talking to Kathryn’s
doctor’s wife she said their daughter Kate (Kathryn’s good friend) was planning
on forming a relay team called Team Panda. I told her that this would be wonderful. I had already mentioned something like
this to couple of her friends and they were ready to do it. I’m glad that she wants to do
this. I didn’t know if I really
wanted to head this up. I was
happy to hear that one of her friends wanted to take this on. We also talked to a woman with a little
girl with leukemia. It’s hard to
believe that Kathryn was that little when she was first diagnosed. This party brought back memories of the
first clinic Christmas party that we went to. How we had family photos taken with Mr. and Mrs. Claus each
year for many years. It reminded
me of all the other clinic parties and how many children and parents are
affected by cancer. Mrs. Irwin
also told me how she had lost a sibling when she was younger. She broke out with a terrible case of
shingles from the stress. This is
why I am concerned for Richard. I
don’t want him to have to go through anything like that. I was also told that Kathryn’s good
friend is facing cancer in her family.
Her father was diagnosed with cancer for a second time. I hate this disease. This party also made me think of a
little girl from way back that was so weak that she was in a wheel chair. My cousin Peggy had told us about
megace to get Kathryn to eat. It
worked and Kathryn stayed strong.
After we used it they used it for this little girl and it helped her
too. Kathryn was the first child
to be given megace because we asked her doctor to use it. They continue to use it now. This party also reminded me of a family
we met who had a son who had the same tumor Kathryn had when she was 8. His grew back and he died. The mother also died shortly
after. Her heart just
stopped. So cancer took her life
too.
We then went to my staff party. My coworkers greeted me with friendly cheers and hugs. We had a good time there playing the
gift exchange game and just talking with people. Scott said he was glad that I had a fun place to go after
the clinic party. It was good but that night I was so mad
at God. I layed in bed for a while
talking to him in not such a nice way.
I was really mad. I told
him that he is said to be a loving God and one that looks out for us. I can’t imagine anyone who loves me
allowing me to be so hurt. How
could he allow so much pain? How
could he take so much from us? I
went on and on. I was so mad and
maybe it was just confusion and hurt.
But I talked to him for a while.
I hope he was listening to know how I feel.
Today (Saturday) started off slow. We got to bed really late 1:30 or so and then the alarm went
off at 5 am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I did get the fall decorations down and put away. We also picked out a tree from the tree
stand by our house. We told the
guy about the tree growing last year.
Yes, while we were at the hospital that crazy tree grew. On the 22nd of January that
tree was still fresh. It was
amazing! It waited for us to get
home and celebrate Christmas.
Maybe God was looking out for us after all. We were able to have a last Christmas together and see
Kathryn smile and get excited about gifts. I also put up all of the lights on the bushes outside. Kathryn loved doing this. I was reminded of a picture of her in
the tree putting up the lights.
Scott had Christmas music playing while I decorated the bushes. I still have more to do. But it does
look pretty good already.
I’ll make it. I
keep telling myself that I can do this holiday season. I can do it. It is hard but life must go on. Kathryn would want me to enjoy her favorite holiday. I will do my best to make it all
good. Scott is doing everything he
can to help me through it and I’m so grateful. He is a good guy!
Love you all,
Carol
No comments:
Post a Comment