Remembering 12-1-12
Reading about Colton who is a young boy at children’s with
leukemia. I believe he is on his
second bone marrow transplant. His
mother writes about how she wishes she had just those little things in life to
worry about and not cancer in her child.
You know those things like breaking a nail or maybe being late to an
appointment or burning your toast in the morning. Well, when your child gets cancer those things don’t even
matter any more. You don’t think
about the dust on the picture frames, if your nails are filed or if you have
done the laundry. Forget about
shopping or going out, your first concern is for your child and everything else
is an after thought. I’m sorry if
I have made any of my friends feel left out or not in my thoughts in the past
few years but Kathryn was always there on my mind. She was always first because I was told that this tumor
would take her life when we first discovered it on April 27th
2010. If she was home from school
I made myself available to be with her.
I didn’t care what I had to push aside because I knew this could be the
last time I did this or that with her.
Having things like this on your mind makes everything else fuzzy
thoughts in the background. So, if
you know of someone with a loved one fighting cancer, understand that they are
not all there. They are constantly
thinking about their loved one.
They are in fear and hoping and praying all of the time. Their thoughts are consumed so they may
not hear you or understand your needs.
This is even more intense for a parent of a child with cancer or their
close brother or sister.
This makes me wonder just how Richard may feel. He stuffs it all inside and tries to
bury his pain. He over works
himself to avoid feeling what he feels about losing his sister and best
friend. I wish he would just open
up and cry on my shoulder but I know he won’t.
Yesterday (Friday) I had a parent come in after school to
learn some math. As we were
talking she asked about a tutor.
She asked me if I could think of a student that was at the high school
that would be a good tutor. Maybe
someone I had in the last two years.
I told her I wasn’t here at Columbia last year and that my daughter had
passed away so my mind was completely blank of any names from the last two
years. You see that is what I
mean. I taught for that whole year
while Kathryn was on treatment but my mind wasn’t really there. And then in the fall of 2011 she had
more symptoms and I was absent from everything but thinking about ways we could
save her. No thoughts about anyone
or anything but Kathryn.
So, Christmas is just around the corner and more and more
things remind me of Kathryn.
Christmas was her favorite time of year. As I drive by my neighbors house each day I see the paper
snowflakes made by the girls.
Kathryn would want to go up to their house and teach them how to make
round, not square snowflakes. Her
friends had made snowflakes last year for her room and she said, “Oh Anna, you
need to learn how to not make square snowflakes.” She knew exactly which snowflakes her good friend Anna
made.
Our Christmas card is ok this year. We took a photo with our Panda hats
on. Even Princess wore one. Klyde wasn’t around so Scott picked a
picture of Kathryn holding Klyde.
She was turning 20 and we were in Bellingham for her birthday and
Richard’s 24th birthday.
We had a nice time but they even had a bigger celebration when we
weren’t there. You know those
college kids!
I told my Mom that I didn’t want to go to the Nutcracker
this year. That was our three some
tradition. Three generations of
ladies dressing up to go to the Nutcracker and then out to dinner. We went last year. I think dinner was frustrating for
Kathryn that night. She had a hard
time using a fork because her hand didn’t work well. I do think she enjoyed the Nutcracker and then on our way to
dinner we watched the boat parade.
It just happened to be that night.
I don’t know that I will ever go to the Nutcracker again. It was really something Kathryn loved
to do and with out her it just isn’t the same.
Zoolights – Well 2010 was the last time I went to
zoolights. Can you guess who went
with me? Yes, Kathryn. I have the picture on the wall in my
classroom of us heading out to go to Zoolights. We were all bundled up with stocking caps and warm
coats. I do plan on going to
this. I will take my Mom and maybe
someone else.
Kathryn’s friend sent me a note about how she found a folder
of email from her. She said she
could hear Kathryn’s voice and laughter as she read them. She could go back to sitting in
Starbucks with her and planning the games and activities for the Western
Washington University Relay for life.
She loved to plan events.
She was great at it too. We
both loved having people over and enjoying their company. We had so many parties over the years.
This season of Joy is really difficult. Kathryn’s favorite time of year other
than going to Camp Goodtimes. I hope I handle Christmas morning
ok. It will be the first one
without her. Our family tradition
will be different.
Monday marks another one of those days. On December 3rd last year we
flew home from Houston. Kathryn
told me at the airport, “I can do this without any help.” She was talking about getting on the
moving sidewalk. She did do it all
by herself. I was so excited. Every time I saw some little
improvement my hope and joy took a huge leap. We made the trip home just fine. Even through security with all of her drugs and needles,
syringes and pump. All of these
things had to fly with us not in baggage.
We sent a bunch of things home in the mail like clothes and some things
we bought down there. We did leave
a huge Teddy bear in Houston. One
of the workers at the Hotel gave it to Kathryn. It was so big we would have had to buy it a seat. We explained why we couldn’t take it
and gave it back to the girl. We
told her she could regift it so someone.
She had someone all picked out.
We also shared our Thanksgiving dinner with her since she had to
work. She really appreciated it.
Lots of memories coming up about the last few weeks of Life
with Kathryn. Painful – but also
wonderful to have special memories.
Well, my niece is now home and on her way to a full
recovery. She went into the
hospital the day before Thanksgiving.
She had a lung infection.
Not a good thing but they were able to take care of it.
Love to all,
Carol
My dear sweet friend, I know these days ahead are going to be rough. You have been a constant in my prayers over the years. I pray that during the times of darkness you will be able to feel and sense the light of Kathryn's spirit and love for you all. Darkness and light cannot share the same space. Light will always fill the spaces in our hearts and minds. Let God work in your life, knowing that you will be reunited with your precious daughter one day. I believe also that God does spare some of us from the evils of this world. Kathryn is in a place where there is no evil that can harm her or pain that will debilitate her from being the happy, bubbly, inspiration that she was for you all. The work goes on and we who are here have the choice to go forward, persevering for good. Helping others with the God given talents that we have. To bless the lives of those less fortunate or succumb to the lesser of choices. You are destined to to the latter. With the help and guidance of your Father in Heaven and your precious angel Kathryn you will continue to bless the lives of others as she would. You are the instrument for Kathryn to accomplish those things that she would want to. You are that kind of mom, woman and loving human being. I am blessed to know you, to follow your example and made privy to people's needs I would not know of without your bringing awareness to me. Thank you dear friend. Forever you will be Team Bradley!!!!!! many XXXXXXXXXXXX's God has said, "Fear not for you are not alone". Lean unto Him.
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