On Sunday (11-11) my Mom and I went to a special shopping trip to the Super Mall. You had to purchase a $5 ticket to get in. I had bought our tickets from kids from my school. They were selling the tickets as a fundraiser. The night before we went (Saturday night) I had a dream that Kathryn wanted to go with us too. I told her I was sure I could buy a ticket at the door so she went with my Mom and me. It would be just like the real deal. The three of us shopping together. The three of us did things together all of the time. Well my Mom and I had a great time shopping. I love her so much. It would have been even that much better if Kathryn would have been with us.
I’ve been trying to figure out where my life is heading. It was always so clear before Kathryn left us. I think I’m supposed to help with Camp Goodtimes. As you know I attended Camp for the first time this past summer. Nine days ago I spoke at a special evening to help gain support for camp. This last week on Tuesday night Scott and I went to a planning meeting for the wine auction for Camp Goodtimes. It’s a very special evening. I went to it last year and had a very good time. I was also asked to spearhead a new committee to help work with parents of campers or with parents of potential campers or just spreading awareness about camp. Of course I said I would. Soon I will hear about the vision of this committee so I can get it moving. I’m starting to understand that it is my mission to help Camp Goodtimes continue and grow. It is a fabulous place for kids with cancer to escape from what can be a very cruel world for a kid who looks different because of steroids, radiation or cancer itself. I have always asked for people to support me in the past as I raised funds for The Relay for Life. It too is an American Cancer Society event just like Camp Goodtimes is an American Cancer Society event. I will now ask for support for Camp Goodtimes. Some of the money I have raised in the past went to camp since it is part of the American Cancer Society. The only difference is that I would be designating that all of the money I raise go to camp in honor of Kathryn. It means a great deal to all of us.
So now to the part of how I have been doing. I had been doing pretty well until the last four or five days. I seem to be back to crying. I just miss Kathryn so much. It’s going to be hard going through the Holidays without her. I just can’t imagine Christmas morning. I thought about Thanksgiving and how she should be here to help me set the table and just get the house ready. She was always my helper. When counting all who will be here it’s hard to say three of us not four. Last year we were in Houston. We had a good Thanksgiving. We made a chicken and stuffed it like a turkey. We had the mashed potatoes and the gravy. Matt and family had sent flowers and they were on our table in our hotel as we had our Thanksgiving dinner. We were so grateful just to all be there together. Kathryn seemed to be stable and we were hoping this treatment was doing what it was supposed to do. It was but she just couldn’t have enough of it.
So, Christmas in on our minds. Scott brought up the ornament that he bought for Kathryn last year. I told him that the memory of her putting that ornament on the tree was in my mind. I had too been thinking about it. She was home from the hospital and in a wheelchair but she reached out and placed that beautiful ornament on the tree. That crazy tree that actually grew while we were in the hospital. That tree that stayed fresh for us all that time. We finally were able to celebrate Christmas on January 22nd. Kathryn was so excited with her gifts. She smiled and showed her appreciation. Richard helped her open gifts as we all did. It wasn’t our normal Christmas but again we were just grateful to all be there together. Still hoping for a miracle.
I look at the photos in my classroom and smile but almost break down and cry too. Such great memories and yet that is all they are now. All I have of Kathryn are memories. That really sucks. I have been staying very busy to keep my mind occupied. It helps. I had the meeting on Tuesday night, went to the gym and tutored after for two and a half hours on Wednesday night, had arena conferences at school on Thursday night and went out to Scott’s Aunt and Uncle’s house on Friday night. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will be cleaning house all day. I hope I can keep my mind busy while doing this. Now I realize I have been avoiding this kind of work because I do a lot of thinking while cleaning. It needs to get done. I'll just have to suck it up and get it done.
Scott knows that I am having a difficult time. I’m sure he is too. We spent the day together trying to gain our life back. We went to a movie and haven’t done that for years. We did some shopping together and went to dinner. We had a very nice day just the two of us. I guess we are back to where we started some 30 years ago. Just the two of us. Richard does keep in touch. He is such a great son. He is really good about calling. He talks to one of us each day. We always count our blessings when we think of him. I’m excited to see him on Wednesday.
I guess I will have to do a great deal of praying for strength. Speaking of praying, a boy from camp was in the hospital and hoping to get home for Thanksgiving. He went home, I think it was yesterday or maybe this morning. This is great! He looked so happy to be going home. I had been sending little messages to him. My cousin Lori will need prayers too. She is the one who’s husband passed away from cancer in May. She has two young boys too. I do have a lot to be grateful for and will be thinking of this too.
I’m off to bed so I can get a lot done tomorrow. If I don’t write before Thanksgiving, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope that you all remember that you are fortunate to have all that you do. I hope you remember of those things your health, faith, and loved ones are above all of the material things. Give Thanks.
Love to all,