Watch your Words 9-28-12
On Tuesday I met the trainer I will be working with. Her name is Rosey and young woman with two small boys. She has a heart of gold and just a real sweet girl. She is two years older than my son Richard. As we were getting to know each other she asked all the normal questions and then there was that one…. The question I just don’t know how to answer just yet. I struggle with it and tear up every time. Do you have children? Do I say two or one? And when I’m asked about my children what do I say? It is such a normal question but it doesn’t have a “normal” answer any more. So I told her I have a son and my daughter passed away in February. Her eyes weld up as mine did too. Only I couldn’t hold back the tear that ran down my cheek. This will always be a question that will get me now.
I went to the gym again on Thursday. Both days I saw the Jehovah Witness lady who comes to my house regularly. I’m Lutheran, but I appreciate what they do. They are doing their best to spread the word of God. On this day I was done with my work out (Rosey is learning that she can work me harder) and went up to work on the treadmill for a while. There on the TV they were taking about 2012 as the end of the Earth. Oh, they are so sure that something bad is going to happen. This lady that had struck up a conversation with me agreed with me that there is no reason to worry. What happens will happen. I actually just smiled and chuckled at the thought of the end of the Earth. I know this only means I will be reunited with Kathryn. I’m not afraid. I’m not worried. I have faith and I look forward to that day
After the gym I had a dream that night about Kathryn. Actually two dreams. In one dream she was about 1 ½ . We were in a house that had a wall that had a small opening from one room to the next. We were playing peek-a-boo through the hole. She giggled and laughed as I called out peek-a-boo. In the second dream Kathryn was about 5. There she was eating a Granny Smith apple and sugar was coming out of the top. Then there were bugs in the apple and she started screaming. I ran to her and helped her get these bugs off of her. Weird I know. Maybe it was a way of me protecting her. I don’t know. I was just happy to see her sweet face and hear her voice in my dream.
Today (Friday) I went to a counseling session. This counselor is very dynamic. He speaks the truth and doesn’t sugar coat anything. I like the straight honest words that came out of his mouth. I hate it when things are sugar coated and total BS (my feelings about most counseling) Anyhow, there was a part of the session about gratitude. I spoke about gratitude before and how important it is to remember how much each and every one of us have to be grateful for. It was nice to be reminded that I need to have gratitude and practice finding it. I do have so many positives in my life.
My friend who had posted about gratitude, who also lost her daughter to cancer 5 years ago posted something that I feel I need to share. She spoke about at woman who was trying to comfort her but really didn’t choose the right words. How do you tell a woman who lost her child to cancer that you were cured of cancer twice because of God’s great love for you? That is what she did. This really upset my friend. Putting it that way just made it sound like our children were not loved by God so they were left to die of cancer. I know this woman didn’t mean any harm but make sure you think before you speak. Especially around Mom’s who have lost their children. I know God freed Kathryn of pain, worry and all the negatives on this Earth. God loves her and wanted her to join him in a peaceful place, Heaven. As one of my friends said, Kathryn’s duty was done here on Earth. Now she is with God and watching over me, her Dad, Grandma, and of course Richard. I’m sure she is very happy in Heaven.
Mooselips, the professional photographer who takes all the pictures for Camp Goodtimes shared a tribute to Gloria on Facebook. She passed away five years ago today (9-28-12). She passed away of a nueroblastoma (brain tumor). I think she was about 11 or so. A darling and energetic girl. Kathryn spoke so highly of her. A luminaria bag sits in Kathryn’s room with Gloria’s name on it. I tried to get it to her family at the Tacoma Relay but the man who was going to take it for me wasn’t there the second day.
To end on a good note. Our little friend Rowan had her last MRI reevaluated. They have concluded that her tumor has now shrunk 69%. This is a miracle! If she had gone with traditional treatment this would not be happening. I’m so pleased to see this number. I hope to be invited to her wedding some day. Scott and I will be going to her 4th birthday on Oct 27th in Disneyland. Her real birthday is on November 1st. I’m so excited to see her, and her Mom and Dad.
It’s late 12:50am and I should get to bed. So, Good Night!