Fountain of Sorrow 9-9-12 (My nephew’s birthday)
The other day a friend posted a message about her
August. Her daughter Katie
(Kathryn) passed away 5 years ago, I believe on August 16th. So August was an intense month for
her. I’m kind of glad that Kathryn’s
passing was the same month as her birthday and Richards. That may seem weird but it will allow
us not to be so focused on her death because we will have two special births to
celebrate. It should ease the
pain. My friend posted this below,
she is referring to the month of August and the fun they had on vacation while
this is the month of Katie’s passing.
Yet there was, running underneath
all of the fun, a “fountain of sorrow.” It made me think of Jackson Browne’s song of the same
name.
“I’m just one or two years and a
couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love’s pain and heartache
school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There’s
this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool
“Fountain of sorrow, fountain of
light
You’ve known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight…
“You’ve had to hide sometimes but
now you’re all right…
“You’ve had to struggle, you’ve
had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight…” - Jackson
Browne, Fountain of Sorrow
Gregg & I struggled “to keep
understanding and compassion in sight” last month, with the anniversary of
Katie’s passing and all of the emotions that come with it. We had some
difficult – make that painful – conversations.
Those conversations and their
aftermath left me thinking about Jackson Browne’s words describing a pool of
sorrow, or an aquifer, running underneath the surface of our lives. This is how
it seems, sometimes, since Katie’s passing; it certainly didn’t apply to us
before that. We can go along just fine for quite a while (“now you’re all
right”), and then, suddenly, “there’s this loneliness springing up from your
life, like a fountain from a pool” – and it threatens to drown us, temporarily.
That is why the practice of
gratitude is so vital to my survival now. Practicing gratitude helps me to
reflect on my blessings, to become aware of them, to connect with God (the
source of all goodness), and this lifts my heart. You could say that gratitude
is a “fountain of light.” I have to practice it – it is not automatic;
it is a pleasant discipline, but a discipline, nonetheless. The more I
practice, the more natural (and easier) it becomes.
For me (Carol) there certainly is
that “Fountain of Sorrow” and you just don’t know when it is going to spring
up. It’s always there just below the
surface. That loneliness is so
strong and pulls so hard. It makes
your heart ach so much. But
sometimes I’m all right. I don’t think I have found that fountain of
light. Maybe a glimpse now and
then. And as for the understanding,
it is definitely not there. I keep
talking to God but I don’t feel that he answers. I believed so strongly that he was going to use Kathryn as
an example of his great healing power but he didn’t. Today I told him that he let satin win. I can’t understand why he would allow
satin to win. But he did. You see I just don’t have that
understanding.
I also do what my friend does, I
practice gratitude. It isn’t
something that is automatic and even less automatic to someone who cannot
understand why such a loving person was ripped from their lives at such a young
age. I do have so many things to
be grateful for but it is hard to think of those things when your loss is so
great. But I do practice gratitude
too. It is the thing that keeps me
from completely falling apart. If
I didn’t remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life I wouldn’t have
much of a life. I also look around
and see our beautiful Earth and all there is to enjoy. There are so many good things in this
world and I have been blessed to have so many good people in my life. Life is Good. Kathryn knew it.
She savored life and enjoyed it so much. She even made a poster that hangs in her room that says
“Good Life”
There it is!
She knew she had a good life.
It was a beautiful life that she lived and made and shared with all of
us. She was beautiful in every
way.
Thursday I started to get real sick. Oh the joys of working with a bunch of
kids and being confined to a room.
I still went over to my friend’s house to help her set up for her Friday
night bar-b-q. By time I got home
I was beat. But remember I am
trying to be a better friend.
On Friday I went to my friend’s bar-b-q. I got there kind of late because I was
at work late. It was a nice little
party but I didn’t stay very long.
Being all stuffed up is not good or fun.
My Mom spent the night Friday night so we had a great
morning Saturday just chatting.
We certainly don’t get to do this enough.
I was supposed to go to the Pediatric Ride for Kids on
Sunday. I was still not feeling great
and needed to sleep in so I didn’t go.
I feel bad because I know they made Panda patches for their motorcycle
jackets and they were going to give us some. I’m sure Christine will get some for us. They also make poster as you drive into
the event of the kids. They were
going to have one of Kathryn this year.
Just think, last year at this event I spoke and told the crowd that
Kathryn told me to tell them that she was doing great and at college just being
a normal college kid. They all
clapped, laughed and smiled. I kind of feel bad for missing the
event but I did really need to get well before a full week of school.
The long Island Medium is on tonight and I plan on watching
it. So I need to go.
May you all remember all of the good things you have and be
grateful for.
It's interesting, how songs will say what I feel, when I can't find the right words. Jackson Browne is a favorite; there's another song of his, "Sky Blue & Black," which speaks my feelings so well that I usually cry as soon as I hear the words:
ReplyDelete"You're the color of the sky reflected in each storefront window pane,
You're the whispering and the sighing of my tires in the rain,
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost in everything I do
...Yeah, and I'll never stop looking for you
in the sunlight and the shadows and the faces on the avenue.
That's the way love is..."
I'm grateful that we have faith that our girls are safe and well now, but oh, how deep the hurt is, just below the surface.
I send {{{HUGS}}} and wishes that you'll get over your cold soon.