Missing Kathryn 8-15-12
So Monday was a tough day as I wrote about and it got tougher as the day went on. After writing my blog I opened my school email only to find that a former student of mine hanged himself. This young man is one that I remember well. Even though he was quiet I do remember him. I had him in my math class both years he attended Columbia. He had a last name that was also a first name. Just like Richard Bradley could be Bradley Richard. I would always call him by his last name. I told him he looked more like that name than his actual first name to me. When I would catch myself calling him by his last name he would just give me a little smile. I remember he had a hard time getting homework done. We talked about it and he would try harder. He was a bright boy with great potential. It is a loss that shouldn’t have happened.
Then Scott called and told me about Kathi Goertzen. So many things that were said about Kathi were said about Kathryn. How she didn’t want people to feel sorry for her. How she fought hard and never gave up. How she stepped up and raised awareness and gave to charity. She was a strong brave woman. How she never wanted to have her loved ones to worry. She would say she was ok. How she loved life and was full of life. Every one of these things were also said about Kathryn. Then it was said that the tumor just stopped her breathing and she passed away. Just like my little Kathryn. Both made it home to die with loved ones by their side. Oh it was hard to hear. It was like I was reliving Kathryn’s passing.
Tuesday was a better day. I focused on some projects one of which was fixing the wall that I painted earlier. I tried to lay out in the sun for a while but it just isn’t the same. I always laid out in the sun with Kathryn. We would set up the little whale pool. Yes, a small little pool with a whale on one end that you can hook up to the hose and it would have water sprinkle out of its spout. It’s hard to do these things by myself. I would love to lay out in the sun and sit in the whale pool but doing it alone is just that, lonely.
So I worked on some lesson plans to occupy my mind. It helped. I tried writing my letter that goes home at the beginning of the year. That was not so easy. I don’t like what I wrote. I usually write about my family. Now part of that is to explain how I have lost my daughter. I shouldn’t have to write about that. I should be writing about how she is at Western and will be a senior. I should be writing about how she is devoting her life to help children with cancer by becoming a child life specialist in the oncology department. That is what I should be writing. Instead I will tell about her passing. No parent should have to make the statement, “I lost my daughter or I lost my son…” It just isn’t right or fair. My 6th grade teacher was right after all. She told me once, “Life isn’t fair.” Of course I had a quick reply, “If there were less people like you the world would be more fair.” This is not about people being fair now it is just about life being fair. And it isn’t. Why do some people have babies so easily and then abuse them and I had to have medical help to have babies, loved them both with all of my heart, devoted my entire life to my children to have one of them die. That’s not fair. I see my son keeping himself so busy so he doesn’t have time to think. He doesn’t allow himself time to think about his loss. I hope this is all ok for his mental health. I love him so much and want him to be happy. I don’t want him to burry his feelings about his sister. It seems that he has a hard time even talking about her. I’m happy though that he asked me to bring some of her artwork up this weekend for his apartment. I know he loved her so much and he must really be hurting deep inside just like me.
Last night I couldn’t help myself. I had gone through the day pretty good without the tears but then as I tried to go to sleep I just fell apart. I just can’t believe God allowed Kathryn to die. I find it hard to believe that she is gone. I wanted to snuggle with her on the couch but she’s not there. So I had Princess come up on the couch and snuggle with me. Of course it’s not the same but she was part of Kathryn. My life feels so empty at times. There is a huge hole that nothing can fill. And it hurts. I just want to talk to her and tell her I love her. I want to hear, “I love you Mommy.” But those words I will never hear again. Her sweet voice is gone. That stupid tumor even took her voice. She couldn’t talk for over a month. So not fair. She could communicate but it just wasn’t the same. And it was difficult at times to get it all right. I hope we gave her all that she asked for and needed. I think we did but I will never be sure. I wish God would answer my questions. I wish he would talk to me and tell me why he let Kathryn die. He could have saved her and he didn’t. Why?
So today I will try to get busy and do something to occupy my mind. Yesterday I worked on lesson plans to help me and I may do more today. I need to get ready for school soon and this is also a good way to keep my mind busy. I’m off to try to make it a better day. Thanks for listening and writing comments.