Five years for one and 29 weeks for another 8-16-12
As I read my friends blog this morning I couldn’t help but feel so connected. She lost her daughter to cancer 5 years ago today. Her daughter was only 12 years old. Today marks yet another Thursday and 29 weeks since Kathryn passed away.
As I read her blog she wrote about how her husband and son were quiet about the day. I read about how days before they were on vacation and she worried so about her son. Every time he would do something even close to dangerous she would worry. She could not bear the thought of losing him. I have had those same feelings. I made Richard very aware of my feelings. I told him back some time ago to be careful with his life. I told him I could not bear to lose a second child. In fact I don’t think I could go on if anything ever happened to him. It would take me over the edge. I hope that his is more careful and realizes how important he is to me.
She also wrote about her daughter’s peaceful death. How she was home and just stopped breathing just as Kathryn did. Kathryn died right next to me as I held her hand and cried. Scott had her other hand and Richard was rubbing her leg and Grandma her little foot. We all kissed her several times before she took her last breath and told her we loved her. I’m sure my friend and her family did the same for their daughter and sister.
It is strange how earlier this morning I was reading the obituaries and I thought about how I would write a memory for Kathryn on the anniversary. I don’t know what we will do on that day. I feel like we should do something but I don’t want to take away from Richard’s birthday. February was such a joyful month for us with Kathryn’s birthday on the 5th and Richard’s on the 9th. Now we have the 2nd as the day Kathryn died. I just don’t know how we are supposed to go through that day. I’m not looking forward to it.
So my friend Karen, I’m glad you are doing better with the time that has gone by. I know and feel your pain on this day. It is a day that brings back all those memories and they are not the memories that you want to replay but they are there. I’m glad you still have your daughter in your dreams and you feel her presents. I hope that is forever or should I say until you are together again.
I too have thought about vacations. Family vacations without Kathryn (my buddy). In just a short time we will be going camping at the same place I have taking the kids since they were very little. The same place we went last year and the year before and will continue to go. This will be the first year without Kathryn. Who will man the flag on the boat as we all wakeboard or water ski? Who will pack Princesses bag and make sure we have games to play? Who will take Princess on the floaty when I have had her long enough on mine? Who will go to the shower house with me? Who will help set out the stuff for smores and roast the perfect marshmellow? Kathryn won’t be there. Just like the party I will pick up pieces that are left that Kathryn use to do. I will pack up Princesses things. I will pack up the games. I will set out the smore stuff and roast the perfect marshmellow. I may even hold the flag in the boat if I’m not driving or skiing. It will different. It will not be the same but it will be camping. I don’t want to lose that. It is something I shared with my kids and will continue to share with my son and his friends forever. As long as I am able I will go camping. I remember both Richard and Kathryn telling me that they didn’t want to go to Camp Goodtimes because I take them camping and camping with me was enough. They didn’t need anymore because they had so much fun camping with me. They did learn that there was more room in their lives for more camp and the love Camp Goodtimes. But I will never forget the thoughts they shared about how much camping with me meant to them. It was all they needed.
I also remember going to the beach late one night while camping in 2010. I cried and cried as Kathryn had just been diagnosed. I prayed to God that night so long and so loud. I wanted him to know that I needed her and she needed to be healed. I prayed for a miracle, which I truly believed would happen but never did. I really thought that she would wake up one morning and look at me and say good morning. And that would be the day she was well again. I still pray for her return. I guess I’m kind of stubborn. I keep telling God I know that he can do anything. Anything is possible for him. I know he could bring her back. I know that it could be. But this has only happened twice. But I will keep asking and asking. Sometimes I ask only to see her again or hold her again. Or even to hear her voice again. Maybe just a vision of her. Something…
I need to get busy. I will end by saying that Rowan is doing well. Her Mom and Dad are thinking about getting her back into preschool. That is exciting and a positive move forward. Keep praying for Rowan and her family. It isn’t easy for them emotionally, financially or even physically. They need our support.
Love to all,