Five Months Today – 7-2-12
Yesterday Scott and I went to Pacific Raceways to watch the vintage cars race. We had a nice time. We saw a lot of people we know. We saw a car go into the wall also. The driver was fine but the car was not. We drove in the Parade, which is 3 times around the track going slow. Not 130 on the straight but maybe 50. It was still fun as we would go slow just before some fun turns and then take them a little faster. We stopped by Kathryn’s neurosurgeon’s trailer a couple of times but he wasn’t there. We left a message for him. Then when his race time came up we did see him drive down the hot pits and we waved to him and he waved back. He has always been a great doctor for Kathryn. Both surgeries were performed with perfection. He always treated Kathryn special and answered her questions with a sense of humor.
Today I worked in the yard and that means quiet time and thinking. I was thinking about a statement that was made at camp by a camp visitor. The statement made some people very upset, as it would have been something I would have surely reacted to if I had been there. The statement was: “Cancer is Optional.” Well that is a statement as you can see would make a cancer patient or anyone who has had a loved one diagnosed with cancer very angry. I’m guessing it was a slip of the tongue and not meant the way it came across but it was stated and did upset people. Cancer is far from optional. What a poor choice of words.
I thought about Kathryn a lot today. Well I think about her all the time but today I had more free thinking time. I thought about how much I love her and how life will be without her. I looked in her room and cried a little. I prayed to God to bring her back. I suppose I will continue to ask for her to be brought back. I always try to reason with God as to why he should bring her back. I think I have a good argument and should win my case. I’m like a persistent attorney always making the argument. Maybe I will break him someday and he will send Kathryn back even if for a short visit.
I went to the dentist today too. We have been going to this dentist for a long time. They are all like family. Amy is the first person you see and she always greets you with a smile. She and I chatted a bit about Kathryn and Richard. How difficult this is for Richard with the tender relationship the two of them had. They were best friends and shared life so well. I’m so proud of the relationship they had. And yet so sorry for the pain Richard must feel. Then my hygienist who is married to one of my former students asked how we were all doing. It made we cry a little to talk but it is good for me too. She sincerely cares about all of us. She asked about Scott, as she was concerned because he was having a difficult time with the loss of Kathryn the last time she saw him. I explained that I thought he was doing better. I also explained that one day can go just fine with no tears and the next can be terrible with feelings of sadness and being upset. There are high days and extremely low days and you just don’t know what the day will bring.
Kathryn’s friend Jenny posted a beautiful picture of Kathryn and two friends at our house for a Christmas party. Kathryn had her hair up and curly. She was wearing a beautiful red dress. That was a great Christmas party. She posted another one today. This one was really cute. I didn’t know where it was taken but I think it was at college for her birthday. I love it when her friends post pictures of her. Always a smile on her face.
Jenny wrote that is has been 5 months and it doesn’t seem real. Well today did mark 5 months. And it doesn’t seem real. It still feels like she will come home or I will see her soon. I look at pictures and it seems as though she is looking right at me. It doesn’t seem real. I sure wish it were just a bad dream and I could wake up.
Friday Scott thought he had a missed call from Dr. Barbara from the Burzynski clinic so I returned the call today. That’s the clinic we went to in Houston. I had to leave a message and then she returned the call and we missed her call. She said she hadn’t called but she will call us tomorrow just to see how the family is doing. Oh she loved Kathryn. She had never been so involved with a patient and the family like she was with us. She bought Kathryn a darling backpack for her pump. The nurse was so surprised that she had bought this for Kathryn. We were very impressed too. I think she liked us because we made her smile. We were positive and never negative or down. We even decorated the clinic with snowflakes and taught the nurse how to make them. We really loved the people down there in Houston. They were all so good to us.
Scott is going to do a firework test so I need to go.