About Me

Kathryn Bradley was born on 2/5/91 and given a Hawaiian name Kahiwalani meaning "Gift From Heaven" She has been a special gift from the day she was born.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

20 Weeks 6-14-12


20 Weeks 6-14-12

Today is Thursday – the day that marks another week (now 20).  I can’t believe how long it has been already.  I don’t know how to feel about it.  

Yesterday I worked on the dinosaur costume and I did again today.  Really close to being completely done.  I put them both away for now and will get back to it on Sunday.  I need to be careful because I am running out of time. 

I also gave Princess a bath yesterday.  I took her for a walk later in the evening and Klyde (Kathryn’s cat) followed.  He jumps right in to follow along when we go for a walk.  He sees the leash and he is right there.  Most of the time he stops part way and then just hangs out until we come back by him.  Then he pounces out at us.  Last night I took the leash off Princess and pulled it for Klyde to chase.  I have to remember to play with him.  He misses Kathryn for sure.  She would play with him all the time.  We are so boring compared to her.

Today I received a phone call from Kathryn’s second grade teacher.  She has been in contact with us every since she had Kathryn in her class.  Kathryn was in her class when she was first diagnosed.  I’m still grateful for her help back then and the fact that she had Kathryn doing so well before she left for treatment.  She told me when Kathryn had to leave school not to worry because Kathryn had already completed all of the 2nd grade material.  Kathryn never fell behind because she had such a wonderful teacher at the time.

During our phone conversation we talked about cancer.  Causes and suspected causes.  We talked about treatments.  Treatments that cause more cancer.  Treatments that don’t cause more cancer.  I shared with her all of the brain related illnesses that I know of in my neighborhood of only 56 houses.  Way too many!  And those are just the ones I’m aware of.  Environmental???

Today I should have turned on the TV as I worked on the dinosaur costume.  I say this because it distracts me.  Today it was quiet while I worked and that left my mind to go crazy.  All I could think of was how I didn’t save Kathryn.  How I failed as her guardian.  How she in trusted me with her life and I couldn’t find the right answer.  Or I didn’t act in time with the right answer to save her.  I know you are thinking I shouldn’t think this way but I could have chosen the Burzynski clinic earlier but I didn’t.  I was just so confused and scared.  I should have been a better thinker and act on my gut feelings.  It makes me so mad and upset.  I have to stop this thinking but I know I won’t because it’s there.  The best I can do is to keep my mind occupied and not let it wonder to these ideas. 

I need to practice my speech as I am the luminaria speaker for the FME Relay tomorrow night.  Maybe a nice walk with the dog and cat too.

Take Care and Good Night


2 comments:

  1. Oh my, I can't tell you how much your thoughts break my heart to read. Your right, we ALL are thinking "you shouldn't think that way" or you can't beat yourself up like that! "You did the best you could, with the information you had and trusted what the "experts" said at the time because that is what we have to do to survive in that moment. Hindsite is 20/20 and it will always be. If only we could change the past. We do our best, and we all know you DID your best and then some for Kathryn, and SHE knows that too! Carol you will always be the most amazing Mom,sister, daughter, friend and caretaker than most people can and will hope to be. It will not be easy to always think you should have done more, but with the Grace of God, he will guide you to find comfort one day accept that you did do all that you could to Love and Care for your Baby Girl. I hope that you will find that place, of peace, in your heart soon. I also hope you know that there are so many people who care about you and your family and our prayers for you all continue daily. Love you!
    Gin

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