Twelve Weeks 4-26-12

Twelve Weeks 4-26-12

Every Thursday marks another week since Kathryn passed away.  It has now been 12 weeks.  I can’t believe that I have been without her for 12 weeks.  I’m so glad Richard is so good about keeping in touch.  I love talking to him and hearing what he is up to.  Better than that I love it when I get to spend time with him.  He is the best son in the world. 

Today I realized that I’m so self-absorbed in my own grief that I over look how other people have been feeling.

A friend sent me a text so I called her.  She has cancer and has had 5 different cancers.  I think it is five.  See, I didn’t get the number because I was so self absorbed in my own feelings that I didn’t catch the right number for sure.  She has lost her brother and father to cancer.  I feel bad because I don’t remember if her Mom is still around.  She has been a wonderful person to know and have in my life.  I’m so fortunate to have her as a friend.  I’m concerned about her and hope that the new radiation that she will be encountering for 10 weeks works will do the trick.  Ten weeks is a lot and I need to really be there for her.  Radiation can really make you tired and just feel out of sorts.  I really need to listen better and not just think about my loss when others around me have lost loved ones too.  Yes, losing Kathryn is the worst thing in the world for me but my friends and family have lost loved ones too and I need to be open to listen and be sympathetic to them. 

I am glad to hear that my blog and my strength have helped others deal better with life and what comes their way.  My cousin has a family like mine, one boy and one girl.  Her children are grown and little older than mine.  Her daughter had twins in August.  They are beautiful.  The birth of these two little boys is very special since they (the parents) had to go through a lot to get pregnant.  Anyhow my cousin’s daughter is moving to New York because her husband’s job has him moving there.  She said she cried and cried about her daughter being so far away.  But then she thought about my daughter and me.  How could she cry and be so upset when she will be able to see her daughter at least 4 times a year and I can’t see mine at all.  She said that I’m so strong and there is no reason for her not to be strong too. 

Some one asked just the other day if I was upset or felt bad when Kathryn went off to college after she was diagnosed in April of 2010.  When she went back in September of 2010 I was happy for her.  She wanted nothing more than to be a normal college student.  That year was a good year for her and I did see every two weeks and every holiday.  She had so much fun and was able to be a normal college student.  Well, as normal as she could with having cancer and all.  It was a great year.  I even wrote in Scott’s birthday card that April 2011 “It’s a good life.”  I really thought we had it all.  Kathryn was doing well and I thought we would beat cancer once again.  We were living a very happy life.  Even though we don’t have Kathryn we are still Team Bradley and we do have a good life.  How could I ever say anything but it is a good life.  We have wonderful friends and family who love us and care about us.  We have each other and many many good memories of Kathryn. 

Right now in the news there are 2 little girls missing.  There is also a young woman (in her 20’s) missing and my friend Kathy in Houston has posted on facebook about her friends husband that is missing.  Where have they all gone?  What about the little boy missing for 33 years?  The parents never moved and never changed their phone number just in case he should come home.  That has to be the worst feeling.  I can’t imagine not knowing.  This does not compare to these situations but when I was 6 our dog went missing.  We looked all over for him.  We put an ad in the paper and drove all over looking at dogs people had found.  We never knew what happened to him and that always bothered all of us.  We felt guilt and sorrow.  Guilt for just not knowing.  I couldn’t imagine the guilt a parent feels when their child goes missing.  How do you ever get over not knowing what happened”  I would always be blaming myself and be so heavy with guilt.  I don’t know how I could ever go on.  As I have said before, I feel that Kathryn’s death was as peaceful as it could have been.  I know what happened and that she did not suffer.  This I can be grateful for.  I still pray to God to bring her back.  Some day I will probably not pray this prayer but for now I will continue to ask. 

Well, now Scott and I are in Crescent City California.  It is beautiful even though it rained.  We had a very scenic drive here.  We stopped at several places along the way just to take in the views.  There are some tall ships here in the harbor so we went and took a look at them.  They are a couple of the ships that were in Tacoma.  We figured they had to be since they were flying the Washington state flag.  We talked to one of the guys for a while.  They do a lot of traveling and will be in Westport in June.  This could be fun to do for a while. 

It is getting late and I need to get to bed.  So Good Night and Sweet Dreams.