About Me

Kathryn Bradley was born on 2/5/91 and given a Hawaiian name Kahiwalani meaning "Gift From Heaven" She has been a special gift from the day she was born.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Target 4-12-12

Target 4-12-12

I did pretty good today.  I set myself up with a mission this morning and stuck to it for the most part.  I did lay in bed thinking about Kathryn for a little while but then popped out of bed and got right into the shower.  If I get right in the shower I am less likely to waste my day moping around.  Scott told me the couch and loveseat had cooties and I couldn’t lie on them.  He was just joking of course.

I took Princess with me and we did some shopping.  I dropped her off at the groomers to get her clean and clip those nails.  I don’t trim her nails because one time I made them bleed and then there was blood all over the house.  My white carpet had blood on it and she jumped on the bed and got blood on it.  It was a mess.  Plus I didn’t ever want to scare her or hurt her so I leave it up to the pros. 

When I pulled up to the house after dropping her off I had to sit in the truck for a while and cry a bit.  When I sent shopping I was at Target.  Kathryn and I use to go there all the time.  I avoided the dollar section because she and I always went there first and always found something we couldn’t live with out.  Then I went by the Bathing suits.  But what really got to me was all of the cute little sun dresses.  I thought about how cute Kathryn would look in them.  It was something I would have bought for her for sure.  Then the underwear.  We both have a ton because 5 for $20 is a good buy and we would have to buy some.  If they only had three types Kathryn liked ,I would get the other two.  What ever we needed to make the five.  If we found that we liked a lot we could get 5 pair each.  When I checked out I used a couple of her Target gift cards.  You see she earned tokens at the clinic every time she got a poke.  After she earned four tokens she could turn them in for a $10 gift card.  Actually there is a choice of a toy from the toy box, a Walmart gift card or a Target gift card.  When she was little she chose the toy box a couple of times otherwise it was always a Target gift card.  She used many of her gift cards to buy gifts for others.  Then I went to Big Five.  Now that wasn’t a place we would go but it is right by the Star Bucks that we went to so many times.  I remember one of the last times they were playing my Dad’s song over the speaker “Big Rock Candy Mountain”. We said we had to let Grandma know about it.  My Dad had passed away not too long before this.  So many memories. I’m grateful that I have so many good memories. 

Yesterday when I was vacuuming I moved furniture and vacuumed under cushions and all of that.  I found a pink needle that had fallen into the love seat.  Well it is a needle in a plastic pink case.  When we would take Kathryn off of her pump for a rest we had to put the pink needle on the end of the tubing to keep it open yet sterile.  This memory was one of trying to save our daughter.  Making me think if only she could have stayed on it.  If only we went to Houston earlier.  Also remembering her here at home sitting on the love seat.  We spent a lot of time in our family room.  Remembering watching her change over time.  When we got home from the hospital her strength slowly diminished.  This was tough to watch.  After a week or so she no longer wanted to come down to the family room.  But I always hoping she would get stronger.  Praying for her to wake up in the morning able to sit up and walk on her own.  Praying for the miracle to happen.

Late last night after writing the blog I read my facebook stuff.  There was a post asking for prayers for a family who just lost their 2year old daughter to leukemia.  She had been diagnosed at 10 months.  Not fair!  I read the mother’s blog and every emotion she mentioned I have felt.  She talked about shopping for her dress to wear to her daughter’s funeral.  I remember that day too.  My thinking was just like hers.  I’m shopping for a dress.  This dress is for my daughter’s funeral.  This is not right.  This is not right at all.  A mother should be shopping for a dress to wear to a baptism, confirmation, graduation, a wedding but not a funeral for her daughter.  It shouldn’t happen this way.

Tonight we had Matt (Kathryn’s boyfriend) over for dinner.  Matt and I took Princess for a walk.  Remember Scott hurt himself and can’t walk too well.  We chatted after dinner.  Then before he went home we went up to Kathryn’s room.  He said it hasn’t changed at all.  But he also shared that Kathryn would say that Christmas is over and time to take the Christmas stuff down.  I have most of it down but not all of it.  After talking with Matt I will take down the rest after our trip.  I also gave Matt back the necklace he gave her for Christmas.  We thought he should have it.  I know Kathryn was there with us.  I could smell that sweet smell.  I think she was glad Matt came over.  I also think she was glad that we gave him the necklace. 

Tomorrow I will be helping Jocelyn decorate Panda cookies for the Wine auction.  So I should get to bed.  All in all today was a good day.

Good Night

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you had a good day today, Carol, and I hope that the good days outnumber your difficult ones. I read your blog and think of you every day, and though I have not walked in your shoes and can't know exactly how you're feeling--know that my heart aches for you in the loss of Kathryn and I wish you comfort and peace. I admire your strength and your ability to share your thoughts and feelings so eloquently. Your writing is wonderful and I hope it is therapeutic for you. Yvonne