Yesterday I was looking at cards. I found two cards that had Kathryn written all over them. The one was a birthday card that played music. On the inside there were cats with party hats all dancing and having a good time. She loved Kitties! The second card was all about being born the ordinary way but becoming a person with dreams, goals and ideas. Then it went on to talk about being an inspiration for many people. It was all about her. I almost bought the card. I may go back and buy it just to keep the words.
I also went back to the website that had given me so much hope for Kathryn when she was first diagnosed. At first I cried every day and all the time because every website I found said that her tumor (GBM) was the deadly form of brain tumor and most patients died within 3 to 6 months. There wasn’t a single site that I could find that said anything about survivors. Then Scott found one and made me look at it and there were about 10 names. Some were several years out too. So there was hope. I read every one of their messages. I read about their struggles and treatments. One of the men was a doctor and her research and almost created his own cure. I consulted with him about Kathryn several times. It was through this website that I found Dr. Friedman at Duke University. The man who had suggested contacting Dr. Friedman passed away less than a year ago. As I went through the site today to see how these people were doing I found that three had not updated their site for over a year. I wondered why. I thought that maybe they had passed too or maybe they relapsed and didn’t have time to update. Or maybe they are doing well and just forgot about the site. Let’s hope for the third choice. Several others wrote about how the illness is changing their lives. They are having difficulties with seizers, their eyesight is going, they can’t walk well, or their memory has gone down hill. I just wonder if Kathryn were to have lived if she too would have eventually faced these things. We were so fortunate that she didn’t have any side effects after the first cancer at 8. Well, nothing until the beast of all tumors showed up. It was hard to read. It was hard because there are those people who are fine but why not Kathryn. I just can’t figure out why. Why her? She was such a good part of this world and God let her leave. She needed to be here to bring people joy, hope and love.
I talked to a friend the other day on the phone about the what ifs. I could really beat myself up with the what if we did this and what if we did that. What if we went to Houston in September. Would Kathryn still be here? What if I was firmer with her about taking her natural medicines? I could go on and on about all the what ifs that have crossed my busy little mind. But we did everything we could. I just wish she were here. I went in her room today an let loose. I guess I need to break down now and then.
Scott hurt himself skiing yesterday (Saturday). So tomorrow we will go to the doctor. His knee and lower half of the leg is so big. Ouch! So instead if him taking his brother to the airport; I will be doing it. We will leave our house around 5am ick.
On that note I must say Good Night.