A beautiful day 4-9-12
It was certainly a beautiful day. We had a 9:00 am meeting. I make all meetings as early as possible. That way I must get up and can’t stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. As I talked to a friend today we both agreed it would be very easy to stay in bed and just cry when dealt a bad situation. And before this meeting we needed to drop off a car to our friends shop so it can get a final look over before we go on our road trip. Our niece will be watching the house and animals. I think I will ask another friend to come over during the day just to keep the animals happy.
I had a nice talk with my friend on the phone today. One of the things we talked about is Moms and Dads who have lost a child. The statistics on marriages that make it through the loss of a child is not so good. Well, what is the divorce rate? Somewhere above 50% and that’s just regular people. Anyhow we discussed another friend who feels her marriage has gotten stronger and I feel the same way about mine. Our sorrow is something we share. We both know that we did our very best. The outcome is disappointing to both of us. But there is no going back. Scott reads my blog and I really think this helps him understand how I am feeling. We don’t talk a lot about Kathryn’s death but enough. We talk about her in situations that would naturally bring a thought of her (daily). We don’t dwell on it. But neither of us will ever forget or want to forget her. We will always celebrate her life. I think understanding how people grieve differently helps too. We both understand that I may do one thing and Scott another. Richard also deals with this differently. He is concerned that we are doing ok and we are concerned that he is ok. He is so quiet and I know he misses her. I wish he would just grab me and cry. But I think he tries to protects me just like Kathryn did. They don’t like to see me cry.
I’ve been asked to speak at the PLU Relay for Life but I’m not sure that we will be home in time. We get home that night if we make it on the day we think we will be coming home. It could be late too. I was also asked if any of the three of us would speak at the WWU Relay for Life. I really would like to. I feel honored to be asked. I spoke in Kathryn’s place at the WWU Relay for Life in 2010. She was supposed to be the survivor who spoke to start the luminaria ceremony. After just having brain surgery and finding out she had to battle cancer once again she just couldn’t do it. It was fine. For the first time I spoke without crying. That was only because I had to be strong for my little girl.
Kathryn also had a class where she had to give a speech. I didn’t know how much she struggled with it. It was a persuasive speech about supporting Camp Goodtimes. A topic near and dear to her. Her professor wrote me after Kathryn’s passing and told me about her struggle. She also told me how hard Kathryn worked to over come her fear of speaking in front of others when telling her story. She told her professor that I have always stepped up and spoke for her when it came to the topic of her and cancer. I hadn’t realized this but it was true. I was the one who shared her story when we went to things. She never wanted to be the one to speak. Of course I always cried and she would give me a hard time about it. Her professor uses her story about her will to work hard to be successful as an example to her students. She also uses her story for her TA’s to know that they really can help a student. Kathryn was very grateful for the help the TA’s gave her in this class. She was grateful for everything!
I guess Scott and I did ok when teaching our children to be grateful. I don’t think either of them have the entitlement attitude that I have seen in many kids these days. They both worked hard and didn’t expect people to give things to them. They are both generous and willing to give to others. We all know they give their time and love. They share joy and laughter. They are wonderful people. I love both of them so much.
Oh yes, that is something else that came up today. A mother’s love for her child. Yes, a parent’s love for their child is so strong and unconditional. It can’t be explained. And as we talked giving my life for Kathryn’s would have been easy. I prayed for God to give me her cancer and set her free. I prayed that prayer so many times. I offered myself in place of her. A mother loves her children with all of her heart. At least that is the way it should be.
Sat in the hot tub tonight with the jets massaging my back. My back felt so nice and loose after. I was holding a great deal of stress. I need to do this every night.
Off to bed – Good Night