One Month 3-2-12
Kathryn died one month ago today. It is hard to believe a month has already gone by.
Today I started my plan to get things organized. It didn’t go very well or should I say I didn’t get very far. I didn’t even know how to begin. I started going through things and just made a mess. I tried to organize but then I didn’t know what to put where. How do I box up my daughter? What do I put in a box and what do I leave out? I had to go through a crying fit for about 15 minutes. It helped when Scott came in to see if I was ok.
I did get pictures back up on the wall. I went through her papers and such and read. Wow did I read. Even in elementary school she was amazing. Her friends wrote about her as being kind and friendly. One boy said she was even nice to me. They wrote about her smile that she always wore. They wrote about how she helped them. They wrote about how respectful she was, what a great artist she was and how smart she was. They wrote about how she always did her homework. They wrote about what a good friend she was and how you could share your secrets with her. One child wrote that she hopes Kathryn inspires others throughout her life. That she did.
I reread her writings about what made a good life. It was happiness. She had to think about the opposite to think about what it really takes to her happy because she said everything makes me happy. What made her unhappy? Being lonely, being mean, not having direction and being stressed make me unhappy she said. So surrounding herself with friends and family, being compassionate, having a passion for something and living stress free made her happy and that in turn gave her the “Good Life.” She also wrote how her friends said if she were cut she would not bleed. Instead sprinkles and glitter would come out of her cut.
We also went to sign papers for Kathryn’s life insurance policy. Along with this we had to fill out paper work to change Richard’s policy since Kathryn was his second beneficiary. Now we will even need to consider our will. Everything has changed. Losing Kathryn has so many ripples. One life impacting so many in so many ways.
My Dad’s cousin sent me a nice email today. She lost her son at 23 so she really knows how I feel. Her words were comforting and yet I still fear losing my memories of Kathryn. Her voice has been absent since Christmas when she had her seizers. It is hard to try and pull a voice back. I really miss her sweet voice saying “I love you Mommy.” I will never hear those words again. I never want to forget her in anyway. Kath said I will always have a place in my heart for her. That she said is true and I know she is right. There will always be that special place.
What ‘s really odd is that I was so afraid of having her. I wanted another child but I was so afraid of not having enough love to split between the two. And then I found out that I was having a girl and terror set in. I was always a tomboy. How could I do the girly stuff? It was so wonderful to add Kathryn to our family. Richard loved her deeply from the very beginning. They have a wonderful relationship. All the pictures I found I saw a brother and sister who have and always will love each other with the deepest most sincere love possible. It was so easy to share my love with both Richard and Kathryn because they loved each other so much. And somehow Kathryn turned out to be a real sweet girl and not a tomboy.
Tomorrow I will hopefully figure all this organizing of stuff. Hopefully I will get more done tomorrow. Maybe I can even do it without a big crying spell.