About Me

Kathryn Bradley was born on 2/5/91 and given a Hawaiian name Kahiwalani meaning "Gift From Heaven" She has been a special gift from the day she was born.

Friday, March 2, 2012

One Month 3-2-12


One Month 3-2-12

Kathryn died one month ago today.  It is hard to believe a month has already gone by. 

Today I started my plan to get things organized.  It didn’t go very well or should I say I didn’t get very far.  I didn’t even know how to begin.  I started going through things and just made a mess.  I tried to organize but then I didn’t know what to put where.  How do I box up my daughter?  What do I put in a box and what do I leave out?  I had to go through a crying fit for about 15 minutes.  It helped when Scott came in to see if I was ok. 

I did get pictures back up on the wall.  I went through her papers and such and read.  Wow did I read.  Even in elementary school she was amazing.  Her friends wrote about her as being kind and friendly.  One boy said she was even nice to me.  They wrote about her smile that she always wore.  They wrote about how she helped them.  They wrote about how respectful she was, what a great artist she was and how smart she was.  They wrote about how she always did her homework.   They wrote about what a good friend she was and how you could share your secrets with her.  One child wrote that she hopes Kathryn inspires others throughout her life.  That she did.

I reread her writings about what made a good life.  It was happiness.  She had to think about the opposite to think about what it really takes to her happy because she said everything makes me happy.  What made her unhappy?  Being lonely, being mean, not having direction and being stressed make me unhappy she said.  So surrounding herself with friends and family, being compassionate, having a passion for something and living stress free made her happy and that in turn gave her the “Good Life.”  She also wrote how her friends said if she were cut she would not bleed. Instead sprinkles and glitter would come out of her cut. 

We also went to sign papers for Kathryn’s life insurance policy.  Along with this we had to fill out paper work to change Richard’s policy since Kathryn was his second beneficiary.  Now we will even need to consider our will.  Everything has changed.  Losing Kathryn has so many ripples.  One life impacting so many in so many ways. 

My Dad’s cousin sent me a nice email today.  She lost her son at 23 so she really knows how I feel.  Her words were comforting and yet I still fear losing my memories of Kathryn.  Her voice has been absent since Christmas when she had her seizers.  It is hard to try and pull a voice back.  I really miss her sweet voice saying “I love you Mommy.”  I will never hear those words again.  I never want to forget her in anyway.  Kath said I will always have a place in my heart for her.  That she said is true and I know she is right.  There will always be that special place.

What ‘s really odd is that I was so afraid of having her.  I wanted another child but I was so afraid of not having enough love to split between the two.  And then I found out that I was having a girl and terror set in.  I was always a tomboy.  How could I do the girly stuff?  It was so wonderful to add Kathryn to our family.  Richard loved her deeply from the very beginning.  They have a wonderful relationship.  All the pictures I found I saw a brother and sister who have and always will love each other with the deepest most sincere love possible.  It was so easy to share my love with both Richard and Kathryn because they loved each other so much.  And somehow Kathryn turned out to be a real sweet girl and not a tomboy. 

Tomorrow I will hopefully figure all this organizing of stuff.  Hopefully I will get more done tomorrow.  Maybe I can even do it without a big crying spell.  

Good night

2 comments:

  1. I love hearing about Kathryn when she was little! I know it's hard to go through all her things, but maybe it'll help to think of it this way: you're sharing her life with all of us as you go through all her things. For you it feels like your boxing her up, but for me it feels like your letting her out. I get to know all these things about her I never got to be around for.
    Love you guys,
    -Laser

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  2. I know what it feels like to be afraid you will loose the memories of her, but please rest assured, you won't. Ever! I felt the same way when David died. But right now you are so raw from all of this that it is all boggled in your mind. It's been 9 years for me now and to this day I can still see the twinkle in his eyes. I can still hear the sound of his voice and his sent. That will never go away.But I didn't know that st first. He will always be with me. The physical ache in my heart is gone now but a day dosen't go by that I don't think of him in some way.No one and nothing can take that away from me and it will be for you that way to.I know you hate to here these words Carol but give it time. Each day just breath a little deeper, walk around the block if you halfto. Just know so many of us continue to pray for all of you daily.

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