Heart Doc 3-12-12
I went to the head doctor today. Well I told her I referred to her as the head doctor and she said, “No I’m the heart doctor, It’s the heart where this all comes from not the head.” I had to agree. It is my heart that needs to heal not my head. It is my heart that aches not my head.
We talked about the blender going off and on. We also talked about Kathryn’s bedroom lights being on when we came home last night. She had to laugh and say, “It sounds like Kathryn is having fun with this.” Well, I hope she is right. Scott and I enjoy these things because we want Kathryn or her spirit to remain with us.
We also went to the financial advisor that Scott had started going to before Kathryn was re-diagnosed in October. As I discussed before things have changed. Now that Richard is our only child we need to consider how he would handle having everything thrown in his lap should both Scott and I die. There is so much to consider. Another meeting in a few weeks.
Everything reminds me of Kathryn. As I drove to the heart doctor today I went down South 12th heading towards downtown. This drive reminded me of driving with Kathryn many times to Mary Bridge or the Hospital for radiation. So many trips in that direction. It brought on the tears. At least I was able to spend time with her even in those times.
Time with Kathryn has been so important every since she was diagnosed in April of 2010. Of course we read about the type of tumor she had. The readings were all the same. Not one of them talked about any hope for a cure and most gave only a few months for her to live. We were given extra time with her for many reasons. The first and most important is her oncologist’s willingness to work with other doctors. With this willingness a new plan of treatment was decided upon and this extended her life. Our friends and family gave us time. My staff at school donated numerous sick leave days to assure me time with Kathryn. My school also did a fundraiser to help ease our financial strain. Scott’s track buddies, work buddies and other friends donated to our family and put together a fundraiser. By not having to stress over our finances allowed all three of us to be there for Kathryn 100%. Family and Friends supporting us with kind words, helping us around the house and making sure we are doing ok gave us time with Kathryn and has given us comfort. Time was so important to be able to give Kathryn comfort. Time allowed us to make the last few months of her life as happy as we could possibly make it. We thank everyone for giving us time to be with our wonderful Kathryn. To make the end of her life a soft, comfortable and full of love ending.
I still have questions I would like to ask Kathryn. My heart doctor said to sit and ask. She is around and she will hear. She said to then just look around and the answers will come. Be aware of things and I should get my answers. I don’t know. Kathryn may not want to answer my questions for the same reason I don’t already have the answers. She may still try to protect me from more pain. She has done this all along even at 8. But I will give it a try. I will find a time when I can just sit by myself and talk to her and ask my questions.
Tomorrow some of the walls are going to get painted. Starting in the entryway with the green. I need a project other than organizing stuff.