Head Doctor 3-5-12
I was really having a hard time thinking about going to a head doctor today. I had set the appointment as early as I could so I could get it done and over with. I cried on the way there. I cried immediately in the office. I could hardly speak a word to start with. She got me started with some questions. She was gentle but also not mushy. Just what I needed and wanted.
She said that what other people have shared with her is:
People or spirits always attend their memorials. Usually after there is a light – the light of God that the person will go to and leave this world through. At the end of Kathryn’s service and celebration there was a light so bright shining on the flowers in on the alter. It was amazing. Could this be the light of God taking Kathryn’s spirit to Heaven?
She also said that people who have near death experiences talk about the peaceful feeling they get. It is so wonderful that they don’t want to come back. Kathryn probably is at peace and having a wonderful time. She doesn’t have to worry about her cancer anymore. She is safe from all of it.
She also talked to me about the sweet smell I had been smelling. I had told her that I started smelling it a day or two before Kathryn passed. She asked me if Kathryn was coherent when I started smelling that sweet smell and I said no. She really was thinking on the same lines as Scott and I were thinking. Even though Kathryn was still breathing and her little heart was still ticking she may have already left her body. I really think this is true. That could be why she stopped responding – She just wasn’t there to give us a response.
The people who have passed do come to check on us. More at first than later. I fear that Kathryn has left me so I can get on with my life. But I hope not. I would like her to stay by my side. My doctor asked me what do you think Kathryn is doing now. I said I didn’t know. I have no idea. I hope she still has time to watch over me. Maybe she is sliding down rainbows and riding unicorns. I’m sure she has cats to pet.
She also said she had known about Kathryn before I had called. She had read Kathryn’s obituary. She said she had such a light that she was draw to it. Even in black and white print Kathryn’s light was shining through. She said Kathryn must have been a remarkable girl.
Scott had a near death experience way back when. She said I should talk to him about how he felt. Not so much about what he saw but what his feelings were.
This is something I have no experience with myself. There are few things I haven’t been able to share with my children and this is one. I almost wish that I knew what it was like to have been called to the light so I could know how Kathryn felt. Just like when Richard and Kathryn had braces I couldn’t share their pain because I hadn’t experienced braces. When they talked about tightening and brackets breaking or things stuck in the braces or not being able to eat certain things I had know idea as to how they felt physically or mentally. Just like this, I have no idea how Kathryn felt. I can only guess and hope that she really didn’t feel pain and that she feels so good now that she would never want to come back. She is happy and will welcome me some day with open arms. I hope she is the first one I see when my day comes.
I had almost canceled my appointment. I’m really glad I didn’t. I will go again next Monday.
Kathryn’s room is looking much better. I did some more organizing and set up pictures after I took down some of Christmas. It feels good to look at her room now. Tomorrow I should get all of the stuff out of the dining room and living room. I had found some yearbooks while organizing. Fun to read the comments.
I had told a friend the other day that I don’t want to be the one that people look at and say, Oh she’s the one who lost her daughter. She said that people will say, She’s the one who raised two incredible kids. I did. This is true. Both Richard and Kathryn are so incredible that it blows me away. I had a perfect stranger come up to me one day at the mountain to tell me how wonderful he thought my son was. One day a guy called out of the blue to tell us how much he thought of Richard. And we all know about Kathryn. Whose college professor drives 130 miles one way to attend a Christmas party for you? Kathryn’s did. I am the Mom and Scott is the Dad that raised two incredible kids. We are so proud.
I’m so grateful to all of you who have shared stories with me about Kathryn. I love reading about her. I look at the pictures and remember how we shared a moment. I know many of those photos are the last photos for many things. But I have lots of photos of lots of good times. I’m so lucky to have had the perfect daughter and such a loving relationship with her.
I didn’t say yet that we received the slide show and music today from Dash on a DVD that will play on the TV. We watched it today and cried and talked about the photos. It was hard to watch but good to be able to have this. Thank you so much Dash.
My Mom also came down and we did a few thank you cards. Still have a bunch to do. She took us out to dinner at Anthony’s. The food was great and the company terrific. We had a very nice time.
We are sending our little friend Rowan from Houston two things. A hooded panda blanket wrap and a panda pillow pal. I had given Kathryn the panda wrap for Christmas. She really liked it. I thought it would be something Rowan could cuddle up in. Kathryn had two pillow pals that she had us bring to the hospital. She snuggled with them every day. She used them to prop up her arms or shoulder or head. They are soft and they have a permanent smile. They are very cute. We thought Rowan would like one of these. Soft and cuddly is just what Kathryn always liked.
Lots of tears today but a good day too. I feel good right now with everything. I feel more peaceful now than earlier. This is good.