The first night and full day without Kathryn 2-3-12
Another beautiful day but a bit dimmer without Kathryn.
Last night I read one message that really gave me back some faith. A friend of mine Jim said a minister heard from God and he said, “Sometimes I take the cancer from the person and sometimes I take the person from the cancer.” I guess Kathryn was taken from the cancer. It doesn’t make not having her any easier but it does give me a little understanding of why Kathryn is gone from this earth. He took her from a body that had nothing left.
Kathryn really fought. She first lost the use of her right hand. Not completely but enough to take away the ability to draw and write. As an artist this was very difficult for her. At first she tried to get her right hand to work by practicing. She finally compensated by working a little slower and using her left hand. She made my birthday cake that way. She painted a beautiful ski picture for Richard with her left hand. And for those of you who were at my birthday party remember the place we took pictures at, well that back drop was made by Kathryn, too. Then came the inability to walk straight. She fought this too. She finally did allow us to be an arm for her. But not all of the time. While in Houston she would shortly before we were going to leave she would practice the stairs. We would walk up and take the elevator down or take the elevator up and walk down. She was getting ready for home. When we were leaving Houston she got on and off the moving sidewalks in the airport all by herself. She wanted to be independent. At home she would walk around the circle downstairs by herself to practice and get stronger. When her vision became double she would close one eye to compensate. If she closed one eye she could see better. She started to have trouble with her swallow and she found different ways to drink (with the help of Dad). She would eat slower and chew more. She choked a couple of times. She never complained about any of these things. She just worked harder to get by her obstacles. When she lost her ability to talk she used the computer or she would write or use sign language. Finally each one of those became too difficult to do too. Communications became a simple head nod or smile or hand squeeze. Then this all faded and her digestive stopped working right. By this time she just didn’t have enough to fight back with. Then her little breaths became small and her little heart stopped beating. She just fell asleep. She fought more than any of us could ever do and without complaining or crying. She was protecting us too. She didn’t want us to be sad or hurt.
I’m still in shock and waiting for her to come home. Waiting to see that beautiful bright smile. Waiting her hear, “I love you.” She told me often that she loved me and I’m so glad she did.
While we were sitting in the family room last night we thought we heard a car door around 8:30 or 9:00. My friend from school had stopped by and she bought a gift. A Bradley team ring. It has four hearts with little diamonds in them. Four hearts for the complete team.
When it was bed time I found it difficult to go to sleep. After sleeping with Kathryn since late October with the room lit enough to see her face the darkness of my bedroom started to give me a panic attack. It was so weird to be in my room and in the dark. I have been watching Kathryn at night for so long that it seemed the natural thing. I finally took a sleep aid and fell asleep for a couple of hours only to get up and take another for a few more hours of sleep. Also sleeping with Kathryn's baby blanket that she took everywhere gave me comfort.
Today we will chose the clothes for Kathryn’s viewing. The last time I did this it was for my Grandma Peggy. I was 14 and went through her closet. I found the outfit that reminded me of her the most. A top with brown, yellow, and orange and brown slacks. Her gold earrings and simple gold chains. Her glasses trimmed in gold and her gold watch. I can still picture her. I can still feel the comfort Pastor Feoge gave me. I think I left mascara on his robe. He is still comforting our family. So, now how do I chose the clothes for Kathryn. A beautiful outfit or a fun outfit? At breakfast we decided. An outfit with her Panda name tag. Something fun and spirited just like her.
We did our planning at the funeral home. The viewing will be from 1 – 5 on the 11th at Mountain View Funeral Home 4100 Steilacoom Blvd. SW Lakewood, WA 98499-4012. The service will be at noon on the 25th with a reception following at Emmanuel Lutheran Church 1315 North Stevens Tacoma, WA 98406. If you have a special photo of Kathryn that you would like to share with us we would appreciate it.
We had a few friends and Family drop by tonight. It is good to see people and get hugs and feel their love. The food is great, too. Flowers and special gifts have arrived and we thank you.
People say that those who leave this world really don’t. They say you will see signs of them or something. When I would lay in bed with Kathryn I could always smell this sweet smell. A few times today I could smell this same smell. It was the weirdest thing. Maybe Kathryn is watching over me. It would be just like her to make sure I am working on my happiness. She would not want to see me sad but I am. Honestly my life will eventually go on and there will be happiness but I will never get over this great loss. Scott, Richard and I will all stick together more than ever. We will share life and find happy times. We will celebrate times for Kathryn.
Her birthday is Sunday and we need to do something special.
Keep reading and pray for our family to continue to have strength and to find our happiness.