I guess I didn’t write yesterday because I just could find the words to express myself. Scott picked up Kathryn’s ashes yesterday (Saturday 2-18). They had called before we went to the cabin. Scott said she sat on the front seat with him like she always did. It was hard for him to pick this package up. It is hard to look at it and think this is our daughter. This is what we have left of her. She was so much more than this. She was love, laughter and life. She filled our home and rounded out our family. She was part of our lives and now she is a box of ashes. They wrapped the box and but it in a beautiful blue velvet bag. I still have a hard time looking at it.
Once this was all done I thought about how stupid we were to let this chance to help others go. Why didn’t we ask to have her tumor removed and examined? Why? The only way to figure this beast out is to know what it does. We missed an opportunity to give some insight into how this tumor changes to make treatment impossible. For this I am angry and sad. I would have liked to have had the chance for a biopsy of her tumor so it could have been compared to the one found in 2010. How did this one differ? How did it change in such a way to take Kathryn’s life? I regret not thinking about this before the 13th. Maybe we could have saved lives. Maybe we could have found some answers for the next person. I’m really upset that I thought about this too late.
Richard is still at the cabin. Or should I say the bunkhouse. We turned the garage into a second living space. He loves it. I was concerned about him being there alone tonight but he has a friend with him. He’s going to try telemark skiing tomorrow. I’m glad he got away and is doing something he enjoys. Kathryn would be happy that he is skiing too. He had put his whole life on hold and will soon get back to school. I’m glad he is taking the time to enjoy himself and just get away.
Sleep is a weird thing. I take a pill that gets me to sleep but if I wake up I can’t get back to sleep. I lay there with thoughts of Kathryn. Or I have songs playing in my head that make me think of her. It just goes and goes until I finally get up. If it is too early I take another pill so I can turn off the thoughts and go back to sleep.
The shower and getting ready in the morning is another difficult part of the day. It’s a time where others aren’t around and it gives my brain time to think. Unfortunately the thinking is about Kathryn. It is not just fond memories but the thoughts about how life will be different. How I will not have her here with me. Who will help me decorate the house? Who will I do projects with? Who will go shopping with me? Who will go to coffee with me? Who will invite me in for lunch when I work in the yard? Last night we went to Apple Bees for dinner, I couldn’t help but think, “If Kathryn were here we would be going into Payless Shoes right now instead of heading straight home.” The lights were on and she and I would have had to stop even if to just look.
Scott found some video. I didn’t think we had any at all. It isn’t much but I am glad we have something. Her sweet little voice was good to hear. We’re still looking through some more. My goodness. It is so good to here her voice. If you have video you need to use it. You just never know when you will want to hear someone’s voice again.
1.) The Service and Celebration of Life is on the 25th at Noon at Emmanuel Lutheran
Church 1315 North Stevens
2.) Don’t wear black – Bright and Vibrant just like Kathryn
What Can You Do
1.) If you know what a Luminaria is please make a beautiful one for Kathryn and mail it to our home prior to the service. We will be using them in the service. Address: 6711 71st St Ct W Lakewood, WA 98499
2.) If you don’t know what a Luminaria is you can bring a vase of flowers for the tables – but make sure it has a bright bow around the vase. Let Carol (Mom) know if you are bringing a vase of flowers so we can keep track of how many.
3.) If you would like to bring food to the Celebration of Life just let Carol (Mom) know that too. We will have main items already provided. So, salads and desserts are needed.
Carol’s email: firstname.lastname@example.org
4.) Bring your stories and smiles. Bring your happiness!