Getting tough 2-28-12
Richard headed up to Bellingham and the house seemed so empty. I couldn’t help but feel sad. Then I looked around to see all the stuff and couldn’t help but thinking my daughter’s life is in all of these boxes. Her whole life lies here in our living room in boxes of stuff. She lies in ashes in a box in her room. How could this be? She was vibrant and full of life just a short while ago. Now she is ashes and boxes of stuff. It’s hard to realize that this is the truth. So, as I broke down Scott suggested a drive. He’s a good man. We went for a drive and it did make me feel better.
We had gone through all the luminarias. They are so beautiful and made with so much love. The time and effort put into each one is so wonderful and touches my heart. I was amazed at how many there were. I feel so blessed to have so many loving people around me.
I will be seeing someone on Monday (counselor) to help me deal with this. It is getting tough and I think I really need something. It is hard to function. I do think if I give myself a schedule it will help.
I also received a couple of emails that really helped me understand myself a little more. I certainly have been in shock and denial. The reality is starting to sink in. But I was reminded that Kathryn would not want me to be sad. She would be telling me its ok Mommy. She has been trying to comfort me by letting me know she is here. That sweet smell! I need to get moving so I have a plan.
Scott and I will go skiing for a couple of days. This will get us out of the house. When we return we will clear all of the stuff out of the living room. I’m talking about all of Kathryn’s stuff that was at the celebration. By the end of the weekend we should have it organized into a memory trunk. There will be a couple of things that I will leave out to look through more often. This will help. I can’t stand having my house all torn apart. I will also make sure her room is well organized and the last of Christmas is finally put away. This will make me feel more like me. Organized and put together – not disorganized with a dirty house. Then I plan to get on a real schedule. I need to fit in exercise to feel better. Starting next week my schedule shall begin. I will make my to do lists to make sure I get things done and not sit around feeling sad. I will have to start realizing my “New Normal.” I can do this!
Actually I asked my students one time during a class, “How many of you believe that if set your mind to do something you can do it?” Not one hand went up. I was very disappointed. When I have thought about doing something I have always believed in myself. My kids have taken this on too. Kathryn had so much confidence in herself she could share with others. Richard has set out to do many things that people have been amazed by. So I will just chose to be happy, to live and to go on better than before. I can do this!
I do need to add that I think part of this sadness is really a feeling of guilt. I think I feel guilty when I don’t feel sad or mad. I almost wrote that all wrong by stating sad or mad about losing Kathryn. I will always feel sad and mad about losing Kathryn but I don’t need to feel sad and mad in general. There is a difference there and I just realized that this could have been a problem for me. I shouldn’t feel guilty when I am happy and laughing. I need those things. Maybe I don’t need a counselor as I figure all of this out. Don’t worry – I’m keeping my appointment.
I will not have internet for a couple of days. Look for a new blog on Thursday night or Friday morning.